08-08-2015, 05:21 AM
I love the intensity. It strikes me as someone locked in their head with lots of issues going on up there. It definitely has this feeling of no holds barred.
My uncertainty with this one was its tendency to jump around. I see you said you wanted it to be frantic and sort of crazy but pieces hit me as irrelevant to the next and last a bit. And maybe that is an artistic decision and if so all the power to you. However, I would like to break it down some. Also, a spelling error that will be pointed out in parenthesis.
there are no voices in my head.
just the brazen roar of silence
and an occasional scream. ---at this point I am thinking "In my head, things are bad, boredom, anxiety, rage, panic"
let's go on a rampage! ---One line later it all of the sudden turns outward. Jarring, strong, but also pulls me out of the poem a bit.
cue the music; this straitjacket
is going down. --- This is where I feel I fell out. I felt thrown into the rampage and then I felt immediately thrown into an idea of music and a straight jacket
(i'm screaming now.
can you hear me?) ---At this point I was too far out. I was too confused as to what was going on and the poem just kinda left me.
we're running away from ---This line reeled me back in.
sleep-induced tranquility
(it's like a drug, m'am)
—heads collapsed, hearts
squishy with resignation. ---Still with you, getting more of a picture.
there are tall new yorky cities ---I found myself asking where.
and stars painted on the inside
of my skull, oily ---After reaching this point I felt back in the head of the character again. And maybe would have been better adjacent to the first stanza?
brain's been dry-cleaned, ---NICE NICE NICE! Excellent transition. I was thinking skull, I was thinking oil, You ran with it. I like this a lot
ironed burning hot— nothing left
except for buzzcut silence ---This line is definitely one that has me eager. If I just knew what buzzcut meant as an adjective to silence I feel this line would absolutely blow me away. I see why you named it after this line there is a lot of power here.
and pervasive music ---I see a theme of contrasting silence and noise to the character. Maybe removing the "and" would better showcase the dodgey thoughts of the character? Just an idea. I definitely like it though.
(boom,
boom...)
execute. execute.
execute. ----execute what?
my fingers are clutching angels
stuffing fistfuls into my ears ---Very poetic line. 10/10 on this one
(i'm an atheist)
pressure is a privilege, they say,
(dryly)
It's not bad. This is not a bad writing at all. Reading other people's comments I definitely see what they mean by reading through a couple times you get it more and more. Which is why I focused on where I feel I dropped from the poem. I felt maybe pointing out the points that I fell off the wagon would help you remedy people having to read it a couple times. I'd suggest looking at Maynard James Keenan's lyrics. He is one of my favorite lyricists and does a good deal of those finicky styled writings. One of his fortes for me is how he connects totally irrelevant thoughts through word play. You may find it enjoyable! All in all a wonderful read.
My uncertainty with this one was its tendency to jump around. I see you said you wanted it to be frantic and sort of crazy but pieces hit me as irrelevant to the next and last a bit. And maybe that is an artistic decision and if so all the power to you. However, I would like to break it down some. Also, a spelling error that will be pointed out in parenthesis.
there are no voices in my head.
just the brazen roar of silence
and an occasional scream. ---at this point I am thinking "In my head, things are bad, boredom, anxiety, rage, panic"
let's go on a rampage! ---One line later it all of the sudden turns outward. Jarring, strong, but also pulls me out of the poem a bit.
cue the music; this straitjacket
is going down. --- This is where I feel I fell out. I felt thrown into the rampage and then I felt immediately thrown into an idea of music and a straight jacket
(i'm screaming now.
can you hear me?) ---At this point I was too far out. I was too confused as to what was going on and the poem just kinda left me.
we're running away from ---This line reeled me back in.
sleep-induced tranquility
(it's like a drug, m'am)
—heads collapsed, hearts
squishy with resignation. ---Still with you, getting more of a picture.
there are tall new yorky cities ---I found myself asking where.
and stars painted on the inside
of my skull, oily ---After reaching this point I felt back in the head of the character again. And maybe would have been better adjacent to the first stanza?
brain's been dry-cleaned, ---NICE NICE NICE! Excellent transition. I was thinking skull, I was thinking oil, You ran with it. I like this a lot
ironed burning hot— nothing left
except for buzzcut silence ---This line is definitely one that has me eager. If I just knew what buzzcut meant as an adjective to silence I feel this line would absolutely blow me away. I see why you named it after this line there is a lot of power here.
and pervasive music ---I see a theme of contrasting silence and noise to the character. Maybe removing the "and" would better showcase the dodgey thoughts of the character? Just an idea. I definitely like it though.
(boom,
boom...)
execute. execute.
execute. ----execute what?
my fingers are clutching angels
stuffing fistfuls into my ears ---Very poetic line. 10/10 on this one
(i'm an atheist)
pressure is a privilege, they say,
(dryly)
It's not bad. This is not a bad writing at all. Reading other people's comments I definitely see what they mean by reading through a couple times you get it more and more. Which is why I focused on where I feel I dropped from the poem. I felt maybe pointing out the points that I fell off the wagon would help you remedy people having to read it a couple times. I'd suggest looking at Maynard James Keenan's lyrics. He is one of my favorite lyricists and does a good deal of those finicky styled writings. One of his fortes for me is how he connects totally irrelevant thoughts through word play. You may find it enjoyable! All in all a wonderful read.