08-08-2015, 05:20 AM
quote='Tigonfre' pid='195162' dateline='1438953176']
The King of the Old Earth
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged
fallen, wingless drakes -- rapper, duck, dragon? I've never seen this word before, or if I did I forgot it.
breathe fire just as wicked -- I don't know about ending the line here. Not sure if you meant for wicked to be the end of a sentence or not, which I guess could work if you used it intentionally.
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flame
The defeated always learn
to return with better aim -- Maybe a period here?
A crown isn't a king; -- This is the most interesting line in here to me because in some sense you could say the crown to refer to a king.
a kingdom isn't power.
A voice that can only sing
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hate
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none. -- Be weary of rhymes for the sake of rhymes if you think there are any in here.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
He desecrates the darkness
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost souls
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales -- Wrinkled is the most compelling word in here for me.
of the luminous deceiver: -- There are some pretty good meanderings here and a good colon.
Lucifer
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth. -- This sounds like a stock phrase that might be used in an epic poem for the purposes of recitation.
-------------------------------
Any critique is welcome.
[/quote]
You've got some meter going on here so that is always good. I think it does get a little confusing though. I suppose we've got good old buddy Milton to regale us in a masterful description of Satan. So, I guess you've got a lot of competition if the old king is Satan or something of that nature. I guess this poem might need a clear direction that is not necessarily a bunch of ominous words strung together, though you could do worse than ominous words strung together. Good luck with it.
The King of the Old Earth
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged
fallen, wingless drakes -- rapper, duck, dragon? I've never seen this word before, or if I did I forgot it.
breathe fire just as wicked -- I don't know about ending the line here. Not sure if you meant for wicked to be the end of a sentence or not, which I guess could work if you used it intentionally.
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flame
The defeated always learn
to return with better aim -- Maybe a period here?
A crown isn't a king; -- This is the most interesting line in here to me because in some sense you could say the crown to refer to a king.
a kingdom isn't power.
A voice that can only sing
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hate
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none. -- Be weary of rhymes for the sake of rhymes if you think there are any in here.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
He desecrates the darkness
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost souls
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales -- Wrinkled is the most compelling word in here for me.
of the luminous deceiver: -- There are some pretty good meanderings here and a good colon.
Lucifer
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth. -- This sounds like a stock phrase that might be used in an epic poem for the purposes of recitation.
-------------------------------
Any critique is welcome.
[/quote]
You've got some meter going on here so that is always good. I think it does get a little confusing though. I suppose we've got good old buddy Milton to regale us in a masterful description of Satan. So, I guess you've got a lot of competition if the old king is Satan or something of that nature. I guess this poem might need a clear direction that is not necessarily a bunch of ominous words strung together, though you could do worse than ominous words strung together. Good luck with it.