08-08-2015, 04:53 AM
I think this poem first is very well thought out. You have an extremely clear picture and convey that image very well. So 10/10 for that because that can be a real struggle and really makes it feel authentic.
I feel the weakness for me of the poem is in the manner. I definitely get the idea but, as the greedy reader, I crave more relevance and emotion for myself. I suppose my question for you as the author is "Okay, but what does that mean to you?"
For example:
coarse and uneven, but warm and familiar.
Is my favorite line in this. The contrast of coarse and uneven with the even second half "but warm and familiar" is just spot on. I know what warm and familiar feels like to me and coupled with the clear image of the character's skin is just awesome. Very good line.
In summary, I feel this poem was written with a sense of comfort and nostalgia. I feel that more words representing that would do it justice.
Other than that detail, I think this is very very good. Honestly, you're clarity is excellent. Don't be offput by my long winded manner you really did well with this one.
I feel the weakness for me of the poem is in the manner. I definitely get the idea but, as the greedy reader, I crave more relevance and emotion for myself. I suppose my question for you as the author is "Okay, but what does that mean to you?"
For example:
coarse and uneven, but warm and familiar.
Is my favorite line in this. The contrast of coarse and uneven with the even second half "but warm and familiar" is just spot on. I know what warm and familiar feels like to me and coupled with the clear image of the character's skin is just awesome. Very good line.
In summary, I feel this poem was written with a sense of comfort and nostalgia. I feel that more words representing that would do it justice.
Other than that detail, I think this is very very good. Honestly, you're clarity is excellent. Don't be offput by my long winded manner you really did well with this one.