08-07-2015, 10:27 AM
Hello, Todd. I am going to reverse my usual trend and thank you for posting first. It was a pleasure to read.
I think comparing your childhood to the trail of bread is strong. Normally, the abstraction might bother me but you have it doing double duty here as you instantly lay the scene as well. I think if you could fit it in you could have your childhood /eaten/ by crows like a trail of torn bread.
You have a tense confusion between lay - this
We always ate enough
to remain hungry, our stomachs
waning like the sliver of moon
that sparkled through the branches
of this darkling forest.
minor quibbles, but I would like to see "our stomachs" move down a line as well as "waning" replaced with "waned". i also can't help but to notice your sudden switch to the plural pronouns. The first time I read this, I thought you should have opened with "Our childhood" but decided you intentionally wanted the focus to remain on Hansel. I can accept that, but the inconsistency is distracting now that you have switched to the plural. I think "sparkled" might be a bit twee but "darkling" fits the tone fine.
Even when I saw the food
on her table, I kept gnawing
on the shingle like
a little mouse, little mouse.
"on the shingle like" is a particularly weak line.
I still carry the finger bone
I once pressed into her hand
each night, while licking the plates clean.
I like the keeping of the finger bone here. There is something awkward about your transition in L's 2-3. "licking plates clean" is cliche but not so bothersome here.
The hunger had crossed the threshold with me,
and remained even
as her fat melted in the oven.
"had" is superfluous
"even" is a particularly bad break.
We came back older than our parents
with gems that shone like in the fairy tale
of the girl who had them fall from her mouth
like so many ripe cherries.
So, you have returned to the plural now.
I love the sentiment and the imagery here but you need to clean up some of the diction as it feels wordy and awkward.
I chewed my words until they broke
my teeth, and laid heavy in my stomach
like forest stones.
I no longer needed a path back
for I never left that cottage.
I am ambivalent about "broke" here. of course it is a rather clever line break but it might be just one too many and in the last strophe when you can least afford to distract your readers with gimmicky line breaks.
' . . .like forest stones" is great.
"needed" should be "need"
"laid" should be "lay"
Overall, I think it is a great read. The moodiness of it, the imagery, many of the wordings are a pleasure to read. most of my comments are mere editing suggestions that could be cleaned up in a single pass.
once again, thanks for posting, i feel like I have been waiting a long time to read this.
(08-07-2015, 05:53 AM)Todd Wrote: My childhood lay behind me
in this trail of torn bread
I could no longer retrace.
I think comparing your childhood to the trail of bread is strong. Normally, the abstraction might bother me but you have it doing double duty here as you instantly lay the scene as well. I think if you could fit it in you could have your childhood /eaten/ by crows like a trail of torn bread.
You have a tense confusion between lay - this
Quote:
We always ate enough
to remain hungry, our stomachs
waning like the sliver of moon
that sparkled through the branches
of this darkling forest.
minor quibbles, but I would like to see "our stomachs" move down a line as well as "waning" replaced with "waned". i also can't help but to notice your sudden switch to the plural pronouns. The first time I read this, I thought you should have opened with "Our childhood" but decided you intentionally wanted the focus to remain on Hansel. I can accept that, but the inconsistency is distracting now that you have switched to the plural. I think "sparkled" might be a bit twee but "darkling" fits the tone fine.
Quote:
Even when I saw the food
on her table, I kept gnawing
on the shingle like
a little mouse, little mouse.
"on the shingle like" is a particularly weak line.
Quote:
I still carry the finger bone
I once pressed into her hand
each night, while licking the plates clean.
I like the keeping of the finger bone here. There is something awkward about your transition in L's 2-3. "licking plates clean" is cliche but not so bothersome here.
Quote:
The hunger had crossed the threshold with me,
and remained even
as her fat melted in the oven.
"had" is superfluous
"even" is a particularly bad break.
Quote:
We came back older than our parents
with gems that shone like in the fairy tale
of the girl who had them fall from her mouth
like so many ripe cherries.
So, you have returned to the plural now.
I love the sentiment and the imagery here but you need to clean up some of the diction as it feels wordy and awkward.
Quote:
I chewed my words until they broke
my teeth, and laid heavy in my stomach
like forest stones.
I no longer needed a path back
for I never left that cottage.
I am ambivalent about "broke" here. of course it is a rather clever line break but it might be just one too many and in the last strophe when you can least afford to distract your readers with gimmicky line breaks.
' . . .like forest stones" is great.
"needed" should be "need"
"laid" should be "lay"
Overall, I think it is a great read. The moodiness of it, the imagery, many of the wordings are a pleasure to read. most of my comments are mere editing suggestions that could be cleaned up in a single pass.
once again, thanks for posting, i feel like I have been waiting a long time to read this.