08-07-2015, 01:17 AM
Well well well Keith-
You speak well to the inner violence within us all.
My typical advice: tighten it up! I always see more words than are necessary to tell the story, and they usually subtract from the impact instead of add. And this one could really pack a punch if pared down to its essentials.
Why not pack that punch? Why not go for the throat? Why soften it?
With a little less this could be a lot more...
... Mark
You speak well to the inner violence within us all.
My typical advice: tighten it up! I always see more words than are necessary to tell the story, and they usually subtract from the impact instead of add. And this one could really pack a punch if pared down to its essentials.
Why not pack that punch? Why not go for the throat? Why soften it?
With a little less this could be a lot more...
... Mark