08-06-2015, 08:29 AM
Hi WJames!
I like this poem, particularly how it reels you in from the start, pun intended. But in seriousness, the beginning is intriguing and I find myself wanting you to flesh out the third and fourth stanzas with more vivid lines about your grandfather. You bring in great language in the second stanza but then it falls a bit flat in the third (to me). You Dad appears only once in this poem, perhaps bring him back as a window to your grandfather later in the poem. Or keep building lines like the final one "his face bore the smile of a condemned man, set free" - from other parts of the fishing experience you are describing.
Hope some of that helps as you work on the poem. Cheers!
I like this poem, particularly how it reels you in from the start, pun intended. But in seriousness, the beginning is intriguing and I find myself wanting you to flesh out the third and fourth stanzas with more vivid lines about your grandfather. You bring in great language in the second stanza but then it falls a bit flat in the third (to me). You Dad appears only once in this poem, perhaps bring him back as a window to your grandfather later in the poem. Or keep building lines like the final one "his face bore the smile of a condemned man, set free" - from other parts of the fishing experience you are describing.
Hope some of that helps as you work on the poem. Cheers!