Beasts of Burden

[Turtle]

EDIT #1
They've taken to vast oceans,
proprietors of stolen hearts, they are the first three lines are too confusing... fix the sentence structure.
bringers of steel beasts of burden. massive comma splice in L2.
They are men afraid of fear, and contractions... no comma needed.
have forsaken [of] their ancient nature, you need to end this line here; otherwise, it becomes a long and wacky run-on.
[They]hailing a lord, a god of homogeneity, which is it? lord or god? of homogeneity? what?
praising[e] a golden sun
with silver teeth, and hating blood. major annoyance: who the hell is 'they'? and their god? 'and hating blood' makes no sense whatsoever poetically and grammatically. are you saying that 'they' are a peaceful people? the placement makes it sound like the golden sun hates blood.

With new homes in old lands, i thought they were explorers from the first stanza. then why 'old lands'?
silver teeth, and hating blood, what's the significance of this line for it to be repeated? i don't even know what it means.
the bringers justified their cause, bringers of what? they can't have just brought 'steel beasts of burden', right?
speaking with broken fingers and i like this line. evocative
avoiding what they’ve lost. this run-on brings tears to my eyes. fix the punctuation, i beg you. also, the last line is too vague. what have 'they lost'? and WHO ARE THEY?  
 
We watched quietly and wept aloud,
waving our weathered hands in peace,
saving ourselves from that burden,
their beast, now it's 'we'. we and they and me and you and them and everybody and anyone and nobody and her.
fading away slowly while standing boldly, too many adverbs.
awaiting patiently on both our feet. huh?

this was in serious workshopping, so i hope you don't mind the bash. anyways, i don't like it. sorry! i do think it's got massive potential (i normally quite like poems like these) if only you could fix the grammar and introduce some clarity about what you're trying to say or the story you're trying to tell. because all i have in mind are the vikings. if you're trying to be broad and expansive to include everyone and everything, it's not working.

personally, i like the ideas you raise in the poem. interesting concepts, mostly original. it just needs polishing, and a bit of chipping. a lot of your stanzas follow the same structure: line after line ends in a comma, finally to end in a period. i would also argue that some of the words are unnecessary, but that's just because i prefer a more minimalist style.

hopefully this will help some, or just a little. good luck if you intend to edit this further!

43.

Thanks 43. I appreciate the feedback. I've taken that, and some other comments into consideration and have posted another edit.