Unconditional Lust

[shemthepenman]

hello

just some notes:

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote. Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes without it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door
But never knocks - the opening two lines don't make any sense. doesn't bode well for the rest of the poem. however, i must say, i am fascinated to know what you think these lines mean.
He's scared. Scared of abandonment - glancing over the poem I can see you are not making any serious attempt to use punctuation properly, or even conceal the fact that you don't know how to. in which case I am not going to bring punctuation up again. I will say only this, either learn how to do it right, or don't do it at all.
Or the rude breach of reality
That comes crashing & barraging down - the words here all seem like a jumble, and it is difficult to make sense of. I accept that poetry doesn't have to follow tight logical form, but even as images, i can't put them together.
Like an uninvited snake waiting
Waiting for him to pop the question - very confusing opening. the breach of reality (whatever that is) is waiting for him (whoever he is) to pop the question.

He is prepared for anything
With depleted, punctured life jackets - what? sorry, but, what?
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction - one can't seriously use the phrase 'fatal attraction' in a poem - it just can't be done. and 'courtesy of...' sounds like a phrase better used in an advert or something.
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart - this is quite a nice line, nice image.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside - what about 'attempting to steal a glance inside'?
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust - 'or wishful lust' is unnecessary.

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic - again, this doesn't make any sense.
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs.
Don't you know
That man is slave to what he cannot have? - you see, the 'she laughs, he laughs...' lines are good, they give the sense of nervousness or desperation, etc. this is an example of showing not telling; however, the last two lines ruin that by making a declarative statement.

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles - too many insubstantial pronouns. who are they? why are they begging him? why are you begging him, for that matter?
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted
To the way she bleeds his heart
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes - why meat hook? that is so odd. but not in a good way.
And invents a reciprocation of his affection - yeah, apart from being all over the place, both overly poetic and prosaic, inexplicably, at the same time, this is very cliche (although, at the moment, I can really relate to this cliche )

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit
The credits will read an ongoing
Unshakable
Unfailing
Unconditional Lust

so, i fell at the last hurdle, and skipped reviewing the last stanza. all in all this is pretty awful. some of it doesn't make sense, because of the language literally not making sense; some of it doesn't make sense conceptually; you have cliche mixed with odd or randomly placed word choices. the punctuation, well... it reminds me of that quote (i am paraphrasing) 'your poem is both original and comprehensible. Unfortunately, the comprehensible parts aren't original and the original parts are incomprehensible.'

my advise would be, stop trying to say everything. cut a lot of the words out. read the sentences and really ask yourself does that make grammatical sense? does it make any sense? really try to find a clear justification for why you have used a certain word or turn of phrase (and I mean clear justification and not some random idea that makes sense only to you). Don't think that just because it is poetry you can get away with 'well, you don't understand, it's deep man', because nonsense is nonsense and can be done very effectively, but when one doesn't know what they are doing it really is painfully obvious. think hard about what this poem is bringing to the already over-stuffed table of love poems (or, approximate love poems).  What have you given us in this poem that we couldn't find done a million times before and a million times better?