The Bottomless Pit - Rev. #1

[John]

Hi, billy, and thanks again for the input. I thought hard about rods for backs, and decided it was a permissible idiom. But then some idioms are still clichés, so I'll review it.

As for the title, I thought if I mentioned the birds it may give the game away: I wanted that to be the surprise ending. But as with your other comments, I'll look closely at it. The subject does seem to have struck a chord (how to we stop even speaking in clichés?) with readers.

Cheers again. Much appreciated.  

hi john. while i enjoyed the poem, it could be improved a lot with an edit or two.

cut away any waste. i did a small example in the poem. there is more you can lose without any problems.

secondly, add some poetic devices. at present it feels all to literal. things like burgers and buns instead of burgers and cream. alliteration you can also utilise consonance and/or assonance etc. you have rod for your back which is a metaphor though a cliched one, try to use a few more but make them original. a good them but a nit wordy.

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs big cliche
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls. best line of the poem, would also make a good title

Many thanks again, Quix. I'll review those line breaks. Most of the time I was breaking to try and preserve rhythm where I could, but with billy's suggestions the breaks may well alter anyway. Good point.

If you google cream teas, you'll be salivating! Mention the subject down here and we become like Pavlov's dogs.

Cheers.  

John,
I've read this over several times, and every time it makes me smile.  I've  had many a run in with all kinds of greedy animals: seagulls, too fat dogs, too fat cats, an army of crazed squirrels that killed my bird feeder dreams, and I think you captured the idea perfectly.
The only thing I might change would be some of the line breaks.  This reads almost conversationally, and when I read it I found myself wishing to not have a pause in one or two places.  I'll indicate where, and if you had a reason for the break, then by all means leave it.
Great job on another one!  
--Quix

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips      *wish "in peace" was on this line*
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-  *I don't know what cream tea is, so maybe I'm missing something, but don't see a reason for tea to be all the way down there.*
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging  *this sentence starting at "You ..." would sound easier on its own line.*  
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls.