The Bottomless Pit - Rev. #1

[billy]

hi john. while i enjoyed the poem, it could be improved a lot with an edit or two.

cut away any waste. i did a small example in the poem. there is more you can lose without any problems.

secondly, add some poetic devices. at present it feels all to literal. things like burgers and buns instead of burgers and cream. alliteration you can also utilise consonance and/or assonance etc. you have rod for your back which is a metaphor though a cliched one, try to use a few more but make them original. a good them but a nit wordy.

The Bottomless Pit

Go away, you greedy sod.
And don't look at me like that
as if I'm in debt to you and your brood.
Let me enjoy my fish and chips
in peace, and savour the harbour and the boats.
And you, mate. Bog off.
Go and bother some other sop on holiday
with their faces full of burgers and cream-
teas. Plenty there for the likes of you.
Sodding beggars. Never happy. Always scrounging.
Our fault, I suppose.
Rods for our own backs big cliche
giving in to pitiful looks. You wouldn't be scrounging
if you weren't hungry.
But you're not.

Bastard seagulls. best line of the poem, would also make a good title