Mares' Tails - Rev. #1

[fluorescent.43]

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges. impalpable?
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour, this line seems like a stick on. switch up the punctuation.
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence. this and the above line are interesting.
The weather front drawn front drawn?
by graceful flicks of silken ice. ice?

i like the premise you've set...

however, i think you've gone so far to create interesting lines in this that it becomes too heavy for its own good, especially with a (relatively) simple subject of horse riding. it threatens to become obscure because i can't piece together a specific image in my brain-- the words are vaguely beautiful, but do nothing for me. but i say it's already good for a first write, and with a bit of revision could really turn into something.