07-31-2015, 12:16 AM
Hi Mark
I like the idea of this, that thoughts about people pop into our consciousness and as such they stay with us, also like how you capture it as a Lullaby as that gives it child like, playful feel, my crit would have to be the two gerunds, I don't think such a short piece works well with a rhyme, my advice would be to put in a solid image of what is humming and remove thrumming leaving "comes a gentle presence". Hope this helps, Best Keith
I like the idea of this, that thoughts about people pop into our consciousness and as such they stay with us, also like how you capture it as a Lullaby as that gives it child like, playful feel, my crit would have to be the two gerunds, I don't think such a short piece works well with a rhyme, my advice would be to put in a solid image of what is humming and remove thrumming leaving "comes a gentle presence". Hope this helps, Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out