Mares' Tails - Rev. #1

[billy]

i had no idea what a mare's tail was apart from a horses tail.
the good part of your poem is that you use the phrase to announce bad weather [or a sexual encounter of the cold kind]. the extended metaphor works though the poem does read like it's overloaded. [florid]

the clouds of the first line is a great start with good alliteration and assonance. the 2nd line is the beginning of to much being to much white chiffon and diaphanous are pretty much the same, a suggestion would be to lose diaphanous.
the lack of cliché is refreshing. and that it's your first attempt impressive.

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails

White chiffon wisps cantering [would canter] serve better in keeping it tighter?
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails - this is a good image of clouds, are the tails the hooks or are the hooks on the tails? not sure but maybe a semi colon would be better than the dash
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts [please take this as a joke] while we know mount could mean to plunge the meat dagger home, it's a given that you'll probably do some riding as well.
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.