07-30-2015, 04:33 PM
Hi, Joe.
First question: what has the title to do with your poem? Just can't see it.
You almost started off with some rhythm and metre, but then it all went to pants. In which form are you writing, because I can't decide.
Third line is a terrible double cliché. In all honesty, reading a line like that is normally sufficient to stop me reading further, but that's me. Who are your target market?
Are the crying and weeping suggestive of an unwanted pregnancy?
If you can help out with what it is you're trying to achieve, and how you hope to achieve it, I'll chip in some more if I can.
Cheers
First question: what has the title to do with your poem? Just can't see it.
You almost started off with some rhythm and metre, but then it all went to pants. In which form are you writing, because I can't decide.
Third line is a terrible double cliché. In all honesty, reading a line like that is normally sufficient to stop me reading further, but that's me. Who are your target market?
Are the crying and weeping suggestive of an unwanted pregnancy?
If you can help out with what it is you're trying to achieve, and how you hope to achieve it, I'll chip in some more if I can.
Cheers
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.