Cry of Life

[billy]

hi john, welcome to the site.

first off, big thanks for setting an example of how feedback should be taken.

to the poem:

some good images some not so good clichés. i like the rhyme scheme and the connection of waters breaking and  safety of the womb [though the womb part is cliche] in the first verse.

Against the rocks black waters broke
And desperate men no more could stroke in general inverted syntax spoils a line and often the poem as a whole. here it's just the line
To save themselves from certain doom
Out on the dark and rolling sea
Their mournful cries of Pity me!
Oh, for the safety of the womb. the verse carries to many cliches to stand up well.

From howling shore the maid cried out
Her hearing keen for any shout
The babe kicked wildly in her womb these three lines work really well in setting a fraught image
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell this one lets them down [cliche]
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell i like the [M's] here and the [S's]
And thus the souls of men entomb and good finish to the verse.

Faint dimming lanterns now and then
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men
Too weak to save themselves from doom doom again could doom any good work already done. it's one of those words that should be shied away from
But on the shore more waters broke this line feels a little like overkill in it's repitition
The child freed from its natal yoke this is a great image of birth
And lusty cries rang through the gloom

Out on the dark and rolling sea
Whence came a final Pity me!
The crew fell silent in the spume
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar
To reach the safety of the womb
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock.