Cry of Life

[Leanne]

Hi there John. I welcome a rhymed poem and do like a good ballad. The ocean/womb motifs work well to a point and I appreciate the depth of your figurative language, but we have a few problems here that don't quite pass the McGonagall alert (that's William Topaz, if you're not familiar). There is much to like here but your poem will improve if you allow your rhymes to sound more natural -- the best poetry throughout the ages has tended to be that in which the rhymes are an enhancement but not the sole purpose.

Against the rocks black waters broke
And desperate men no more could stroke -- inverted syntax so close to the beginning of the poem doesn't bode well -- your rhymes should fall effortlessly, without too much twisting of language, otherwise it can seem as though the rhyme and not the poet is in control of the poem.
To save themselves from certain doom
Out on the dark and rolling sea
Their mournful cries of Pity me!
Oh, for the safety of the womb.

From howling shore the maid cried out -- why is the shore howling? This image is odd
Her hearing keen for any shout
The babe kicked wildly in her womb -- this is a good use of emotion as well as bringing back the womb motif
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell -- but good work is undone somewhat with this bodice-ripper-style cliche
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell
And thus the souls of men entomb -- this is grammatically unsound -- they would need to entomb something or be entombed. Again this seems like your rhymes are in charge of your poem

Faint dimming lanterns now and then
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men
Too weak to save themselves from doom -- I can let one "doom" slide but two in a poem is overly melodramatic
But on the shore more waters broke
The child freed from its natal yoke
And lusty cries rang through the gloom

Out on the dark and rolling sea
Whence came a final Pity me!
The crew fell silent in the spume
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar -- another awkward construct due to forced rhyme
To reach the safety of the womb -- it might just be me, but this seems a bit creepy... men trying to swim back into their mothers...
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock. -- and a shame that this doesn't really make loads of sense -- the final line is the one that will be remembered