07-28-2015, 10:15 AM
a really good effort with the meter brenkin. in parts i think you chose meter over quality.
blew through the meadow with a roar.
could have been something like;
roared through the meadow
for meter
that raced through the meadow; a roar
that swept the earth beneath it’s feet i changed [and] to [that] for the example
the multiple use of unforgiving wind weakens it and the title
the poem does work on more the one level, hardship or a fight against the odds being one of them. a suggestion would be to to choose quality over meter than work on the meter if you want one, or now you have the meter work on the content in order to strengthen it.
blew through the meadow with a roar.
could have been something like;
roared through the meadow
for meter
that raced through the meadow; a roar
that swept the earth beneath it’s feet i changed [and] to [that] for the example
the multiple use of unforgiving wind weakens it and the title
the poem does work on more the one level, hardship or a fight against the odds being one of them. a suggestion would be to to choose quality over meter than work on the meter if you want one, or now you have the meter work on the content in order to strengthen it.
(07-27-2015, 05:07 PM)Brenkin Wrote: The Unforgiving Wind
A stiff and unforgiving wind,
blew through the meadow with a roar.
And swept the earth beneath it’s feet
while tumbling through the greenery.
I stand erect, intent on grit. should it be stood it feels like the tense has changed but i could and often am wrong
To face the unforgiving wind. cliche
It’s force cannot have hold on me, [its]
I will not yield, I will not yield.
The wind however did not cease,
and gradually it weakened me.
Reluctantly, I have to quit.
My body simply must submit.
And get swept by the unforgiving wind.