07-27-2015, 09:31 PM
Hi Brenkin,
1.) Disclaimer: New to all this and handing out poetry advice willy nilly like a clown with too many baloons. Heed my advice with caution.
2.) Accolade: I love wind and storms, and that's what drew me to this poem in the first place. You did a great job with your description, I felt like I could picture every aspect of what was happening.
"Intent on grit" was my favorite line, it solidified the image of person vs. wind.
3.) Explication: I read this poem two ways. The first and obvious way is that this is a nature poem about a person getting caught in a sort of gale, and his/her struggle to hold their ground. The second way, based on some of your wording, is that this is a metaphor for getting bowled over by a person or situation that is out of your control. "Its force cannot have a hold on me,/ I will not yield" especially, and also the choice of the word "submit" and even the idea that the person does get blown away at the end. It is a very accurate portrayal of an attempt of a weaker person to withstand, in vain, an opposing force, whether it's simply the wind, or an overbearing person, or overwhelming situation.
3.) Changes: Everything about this poem is so forceful and wild that "tumbling" in L4, S1 seems too mild and playful. A stronger, more destructive word is needed here. Then L2, S2, the repetition of "unforgiving wind," would perhaps work better to use this opportunity to describe it more, say it a new way, "Unrelenting Gale" etc. Just to switch it up a bit. But keep the repetition of the line at the end, to tie it together with the beginning.
Finally, as a metaphor it is complete. As a nature poem, you could take it further if you wanted to. I would want to hear and see more destruction possibly, the creaking sound trees make when they are being forced to bend, how does the wind feel on the speaker's skin, clothes, hair? If the person is literally blown away by the wind, then other things would be flying through the air, etc. Just options if you wanted some.
Anyway, hope something in all that mess helps.
--Quix
1.) Disclaimer: New to all this and handing out poetry advice willy nilly like a clown with too many baloons. Heed my advice with caution.
2.) Accolade: I love wind and storms, and that's what drew me to this poem in the first place. You did a great job with your description, I felt like I could picture every aspect of what was happening.
"Intent on grit" was my favorite line, it solidified the image of person vs. wind.
3.) Explication: I read this poem two ways. The first and obvious way is that this is a nature poem about a person getting caught in a sort of gale, and his/her struggle to hold their ground. The second way, based on some of your wording, is that this is a metaphor for getting bowled over by a person or situation that is out of your control. "Its force cannot have a hold on me,/ I will not yield" especially, and also the choice of the word "submit" and even the idea that the person does get blown away at the end. It is a very accurate portrayal of an attempt of a weaker person to withstand, in vain, an opposing force, whether it's simply the wind, or an overbearing person, or overwhelming situation.
3.) Changes: Everything about this poem is so forceful and wild that "tumbling" in L4, S1 seems too mild and playful. A stronger, more destructive word is needed here. Then L2, S2, the repetition of "unforgiving wind," would perhaps work better to use this opportunity to describe it more, say it a new way, "Unrelenting Gale" etc. Just to switch it up a bit. But keep the repetition of the line at the end, to tie it together with the beginning.
Finally, as a metaphor it is complete. As a nature poem, you could take it further if you wanted to. I would want to hear and see more destruction possibly, the creaking sound trees make when they are being forced to bend, how does the wind feel on the speaker's skin, clothes, hair? If the person is literally blown away by the wind, then other things would be flying through the air, etc. Just options if you wanted some.
Anyway, hope something in all that mess helps.
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara