07-27-2015, 05:52 PM
Hi, Brenkin,
My first image was of a child with his arms out in defiance of the wind, but then your choice of 'unforgiving' clearly has deeper meaning.
You've maintained assonance through the stanzas - feet, greenery, me, yield, cease - and a regular iambic rhythm (although I'd sharpen the last line as it feels a beat too long.)
Whilst I love the overall imagery of L3 and L4 (S1), your choice of 'tumbling' is more akin to a playful wind (and the kid with his arms out) and doesn't accord with a wind that is 'unforgiving.'
Overall, I admire your choice in using iambic verse and picking up natural speech rhythms and cadences.
These are my initial impressions. Hope they're of some use.
Cheers
My first image was of a child with his arms out in defiance of the wind, but then your choice of 'unforgiving' clearly has deeper meaning.
You've maintained assonance through the stanzas - feet, greenery, me, yield, cease - and a regular iambic rhythm (although I'd sharpen the last line as it feels a beat too long.)
Whilst I love the overall imagery of L3 and L4 (S1), your choice of 'tumbling' is more akin to a playful wind (and the kid with his arms out) and doesn't accord with a wind that is 'unforgiving.'
Overall, I admire your choice in using iambic verse and picking up natural speech rhythms and cadences.
These are my initial impressions. Hope they're of some use.
Cheers
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.