07-27-2015, 12:53 PM
Dear 43,
1.) The Disclaimer: I am merely a fumbling newbie, learning the ropes, and scattering opinions like little seeds into the wind. Please heed my advice with caution.
2.) The Title: I have most often crossed three strategies for poetry titles. First, there are some which have no title and are merely referenced by the first line. That is hardly done these days though. Second, take a moment to consider the central theme, or overall message of the poem, and call it that. This at least lets the reader know what to expect from the poem. Third, the very clever people use the title as an extension of the poem and it is either the riddle the poem answers, or the answer to the riddle posed by the poem, or the key to unlocking the riddle of the poem, etc. I am not yet skiled enough to use this kind of title, but it is really fun when others do. Hope that helps.
3.) On somnambulistic writing: Writing when half, or mostly asleep can have benefits, inhibitions are lowered and the subconscious plays a stronger hand. You might say something you wouldn't otherwise dare, or didn't even know you mean. However, the subconscious can be a disjointed and confusing place, and will rarely produce a finished, coherent piece of art all on its own. It's a good idea to look at it in the daylight, discover what your brain was trying to say, and then with the sobriety of a good night's sleep, edit and form it into a perfect finish.
4.) On Salvaging: That depends on your goals. How important is the poem to you? Is it something you whipped up and can toss without a care? Did you put something of yourself into it, and need it to be heard? Do you have a message or goal of some sort that is important to you, or that needs to be said? What do you want it to say, and then make sure it says exactly that. Whether you have to replace one word or all, the worth of salvaging is up to you. But I'll let you know the parts that do and don't work for me, just in case that will help you make up your mind.
5.) Specific Moments: I liked the original title better, if my explication was correct. However, perhaps I misunderstood the meaning. I was confused by, and wouldn't miss everything in the parenthesis, and really the first stanza. This could be my inexperience, but I couldn't make hide nor tail of it. (Though if it is about pressure to achieve, then the straightjacket reference holds.). I actually liked the second stanza, but perhaps a different word here and there could clear up the meaning. But I sort of get the tranquility/resignaton message going on there. The pressure title tied in with the resignation for me, because I felt this was mostly a kicking against the goads of external pressure to do or achieve or be something.
My favorite part was the third stanza. Again, looking through the lense of my interpretation, I read this line to mean that the speaker's head has been filled with high goals. Whether they are the speaker's goals or another's goals for the speaker is not clear. The idea that the goals have been "painted" there, along with the rebelious nature of the rest of the poem leads me to assume the goals have been "inceptioned" into the speaker, and now the speaker feels too much pressure, bound by the requirement to achieve that is placed on those born into privilege. However, in the next line the image has been "drycleaned" from the speaker's mind. So is the force exerting pressure the one painting, or the one wiping the painting clean? Are the speaker's dreams irrelevent to the pressure, or are the dreams placed there by the pressure. I can't decide that part.
Anyway, I hope something in this long ramble helps you in some way. All the best!
--Quix
1.) The Disclaimer: I am merely a fumbling newbie, learning the ropes, and scattering opinions like little seeds into the wind. Please heed my advice with caution.
2.) The Title: I have most often crossed three strategies for poetry titles. First, there are some which have no title and are merely referenced by the first line. That is hardly done these days though. Second, take a moment to consider the central theme, or overall message of the poem, and call it that. This at least lets the reader know what to expect from the poem. Third, the very clever people use the title as an extension of the poem and it is either the riddle the poem answers, or the answer to the riddle posed by the poem, or the key to unlocking the riddle of the poem, etc. I am not yet skiled enough to use this kind of title, but it is really fun when others do.
Hope that helps. 3.) On somnambulistic writing: Writing when half, or mostly asleep can have benefits, inhibitions are lowered and the subconscious plays a stronger hand. You might say something you wouldn't otherwise dare, or didn't even know you mean. However, the subconscious can be a disjointed and confusing place, and will rarely produce a finished, coherent piece of art all on its own. It's a good idea to look at it in the daylight, discover what your brain was trying to say, and then with the sobriety of a good night's sleep, edit and form it into a perfect finish.
4.) On Salvaging: That depends on your goals. How important is the poem to you? Is it something you whipped up and can toss without a care? Did you put something of yourself into it, and need it to be heard? Do you have a message or goal of some sort that is important to you, or that needs to be said? What do you want it to say, and then make sure it says exactly that. Whether you have to replace one word or all, the worth of salvaging is up to you. But I'll let you know the parts that do and don't work for me, just in case that will help you make up your mind.
5.) Specific Moments: I liked the original title better, if my explication was correct. However, perhaps I misunderstood the meaning. I was confused by, and wouldn't miss everything in the parenthesis, and really the first stanza. This could be my inexperience, but I couldn't make hide nor tail of it. (Though if it is about pressure to achieve, then the straightjacket reference holds.). I actually liked the second stanza, but perhaps a different word here and there could clear up the meaning. But I sort of get the tranquility/resignaton message going on there. The pressure title tied in with the resignation for me, because I felt this was mostly a kicking against the goads of external pressure to do or achieve or be something.
My favorite part was the third stanza. Again, looking through the lense of my interpretation, I read this line to mean that the speaker's head has been filled with high goals. Whether they are the speaker's goals or another's goals for the speaker is not clear. The idea that the goals have been "painted" there, along with the rebelious nature of the rest of the poem leads me to assume the goals have been "inceptioned" into the speaker, and now the speaker feels too much pressure, bound by the requirement to achieve that is placed on those born into privilege. However, in the next line the image has been "drycleaned" from the speaker's mind. So is the force exerting pressure the one painting, or the one wiping the painting clean? Are the speaker's dreams irrelevent to the pressure, or are the dreams placed there by the pressure. I can't decide that part.
Anyway, I hope something in this long ramble helps you in some way. All the best!
--Quix
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara