the night lanterns

[cjchaffin]

What a beautiful picture you have painted with this piece. Gorgeous simple moments make the best pieces, in my opinion.
This piece is SO close to complete, I think it just needs a little bit of line tweaking. I tend to critique by lines or stanzas, particularly with pieces I feel are nearly finished and what I feel to need minor tweaking... so here we go!

She started collecting fireflies,
        perfect beginning. Simple statement. I personally don't care for past perfect tense, so I changed it to past tense.
their dried, lightless husks
filling up old mason jars.
She'd refused to throw them out
even after they'd lost their glow.
        I think the past perfect tense work with this statement, because it shows that this character has been collecting for quite a while and this is not the first time she had refused.

I never knew Mama to be afraid of the dark
but she said so one day when I asked
why she kept them.
        I think this stanza can be just that first line. Or perhaps reword that line to something like 'I didn't realize Mama was afraid of the dark.'  or 'I never knew Mama was afraid of the dark' - if this line is reworded, the two lines following are not necessary.

The jars still sit on her windowsill,
clean and empty of husks,
a vanilla tea light candle inside each one now.
       the only change I would make here would be to change up the last line to something like, 'each housing a vanilla tea light.'
 
I’ve lit them every night since she passed;
people ask me why, but I don’t answer.
They don’t need to know that I’m afraid of the dark.
      There's something about the simplicity of this last stanza that is sweet and innocent, but it almost ties up the loose ends too well. I almost don't want to know that the speaker is afraid of the dark - perhaps there is a way to say it without saying it flat out. maybe something like '...but i don't answer. // I take after Mama.'

In all - a fantastic piece, and like I stated above, it is SO CLOSE to complete. Beautiful language and moments here, well done.

With my edits:

the night lanterns

She started collecting fireflies,
their dried, lightless husks
filling up old mason jars.
 
She'd refused to throw them out
even after they’d lost their glow.
I never knew Mama was afraid of the dark.
 
The jars still sit on her windowsill,
clean and empty of husks,
each housing a vanilla tea light candle.
 
I’ve lit them every night since she passed;
people ask me why, but I don’t answer.
I take after Mama.

the night lanterns

She’d started collecting fireflies,
their dried, lightless husks
filling up old mason jars;
 
she refused to throw them out
even after they’d lost their glow.
 
I never knew Mama to be afraid of the dark
but she said so one day when I asked
why she kept them.
 
The jars still sit on her windowsill,
clean and empty of husks,
a vanilla tea light candle inside each one now.
 
I’ve lit them every night since she passed;
people ask me why, but I don’t answer.
They don’t need to know that I’m afraid of the dark.
 

Thank you, Emily. You make some great points as well. I've gotten some wonderful critique and have some work to do... Thanks!!

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cjchaffin,

I don't even know that those notes are worth a skim. My whole point boils down to this: you left out the important part. Sorry for the overkill!

crow

You always push me to work harder. Thank you for that. I truly do value the time you take to critique; your perspective is greatly appreciated!!