07-25-2015, 07:25 PM
Hi, Julia,
I enjoy short and punchy poems (subject matter aside), because the author makes every word count. I've only a couple of points in addition to that already said, but they're sticking points.
The theme as I read it is a comparison of you to wine. Fine. (No pun intended.) So what does your first line contribute? Is it important that you 'finally' found someone, or important that what you found is someone able to compare you? What I don't see is why the reader should care.
The next two lines, ...who likens me to a drink of fine wine: Complicated. is all over the internet in the form of the gag:
My boyfriend likens me to a bottle of fine wine- complicated. Greetings cards, email jokes, you name it. It's so common, it's almost a meme.
Is it worth thinking about a comparison with a type of or named wine? Just saying 'wine' invites what wine? And 'complicated' is so open to interpretation, that its punchiness is confined to the word, not its meaning or evocation. Marry those two points with explicit and well-chosen imagery, and this short work could rocket.
As for the title, well - what could better it? You've encapsulated the whole poem in two words.
I enjoy short and punchy poems (subject matter aside), because the author makes every word count. I've only a couple of points in addition to that already said, but they're sticking points.
The theme as I read it is a comparison of you to wine. Fine. (No pun intended.) So what does your first line contribute? Is it important that you 'finally' found someone, or important that what you found is someone able to compare you? What I don't see is why the reader should care.
The next two lines, ...who likens me to a drink of fine wine: Complicated. is all over the internet in the form of the gag:
My boyfriend likens me to a bottle of fine wine- complicated. Greetings cards, email jokes, you name it. It's so common, it's almost a meme.
Is it worth thinking about a comparison with a type of or named wine? Just saying 'wine' invites what wine? And 'complicated' is so open to interpretation, that its punchiness is confined to the word, not its meaning or evocation. Marry those two points with explicit and well-chosen imagery, and this short work could rocket.
As for the title, well - what could better it? You've encapsulated the whole poem in two words.
(06-13-2015, 08:00 AM)Julia.rose.q Wrote: I finally found the one to call mine,
who likens me to a drink of fine wine:
Complicated.
Still, he prefers me for the quality,
miraculously. With him, I am free.
-----
Hey everyone! This is my first poem to post (ever, anywhere : )
I have some issues with it, but most notably (for me) is the cliche "I am free," but that's the exact feeling I'm trying to express: freedom to be oneself, unencumbered, etc. And of course, the rhyme works, but I'm afraid it looks like I used it simply [because[/i] the rhyme works. In any case, suggestions for that issue are welcome, as well as other feedback!
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.