07-25-2015, 03:40 PM
Welcome to the Pig Pen, I hope you enjoy the variety of styles and poetic principles expressed here, as well as the wealth of knowledge and experience that is also very present. 
This poem is actually quite a frank and honest first attempt, and it was refreshing to see the lack of crappy ambiguity that some newbies incorporate into their early work. Although it did have a semblance of decent poetic introspection and expression, in many parts of the poem, the flavorless and redundant word choice failed to captivate and breathe life into the subject matter.
I sit atop a tall lonely mountain. Eh, this first line was indeed cliche, I suggest using the same setting, yet expresing it in clear, concise, yet original language in order to better draw in the reader's attention.
Cloudy mist, my only companion. This line was bland and redundant, which further strengthen the negative aspect of the cliche opening line.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin.
I, too, was once a man. Cut the first comma after I.
Who once was lost along a winding trail. This line is cliche, and the word "winding" is dull and could definitely be replaced by another that is more metaphorically poignant to the expression itself.
I found peace in protecting and observing. Hmm, many can generally relate to this, which, in my opinion, is a good thing in creative writing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. Is "Winter" being used to describe Life itself, or the hardships we all must experience and endure in Life? I suggest rewording and toning down the inherent ambiguity here just a bit.
I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed. Reword this line. Upon reading and reciting it in my mind, it sounded sloppy and bland.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded. Possibly replace the first word of this line with something else?
My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone. Another use of cliche, which overall added a sense of stagnancy to the expression.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone. I suggest rewording this line. Maybe cut 'But', or at least take out the comma after 'But'.
My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below. Honest, although a bit boring as are many of the lines in this piece.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know. This line seems too wordy and I suggest a revision of the entire line.
I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man
The final stanza was, in my opinion, the weakest part of the poem itself. It seemed as if it were rushed, lacking much originality and forethought. I would suggest rewriting the stanza entirely to help give the expression a definitive ending, executed with grace and subtlety.
This poem is actually quite a frank and honest first attempt, and it was refreshing to see the lack of crappy ambiguity that some newbies incorporate into their early work. Although it did have a semblance of decent poetic introspection and expression, in many parts of the poem, the flavorless and redundant word choice failed to captivate and breathe life into the subject matter.
I sit atop a tall lonely mountain. Eh, this first line was indeed cliche, I suggest using the same setting, yet expresing it in clear, concise, yet original language in order to better draw in the reader's attention.
Cloudy mist, my only companion. This line was bland and redundant, which further strengthen the negative aspect of the cliche opening line.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin.
I, too, was once a man. Cut the first comma after I.
Who once was lost along a winding trail. This line is cliche, and the word "winding" is dull and could definitely be replaced by another that is more metaphorically poignant to the expression itself.
I found peace in protecting and observing. Hmm, many can generally relate to this, which, in my opinion, is a good thing in creative writing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. Is "Winter" being used to describe Life itself, or the hardships we all must experience and endure in Life? I suggest rewording and toning down the inherent ambiguity here just a bit.
I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed. Reword this line. Upon reading and reciting it in my mind, it sounded sloppy and bland.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded. Possibly replace the first word of this line with something else?
My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone. Another use of cliche, which overall added a sense of stagnancy to the expression.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone. I suggest rewording this line. Maybe cut 'But', or at least take out the comma after 'But'.
My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below. Honest, although a bit boring as are many of the lines in this piece.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know. This line seems too wordy and I suggest a revision of the entire line.
I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man
The final stanza was, in my opinion, the weakest part of the poem itself. It seemed as if it were rushed, lacking much originality and forethought. I would suggest rewriting the stanza entirely to help give the expression a definitive ending, executed with grace and subtlety.
cliche my forte
