Who Is She

[addy]

Thanks for the poem Billy. I like this touching take on a love poem, how passion is simultaneously purifying and painful and confusing. You asked for a bit of solid feedback, so here goes:

Who is the one, who twists my soul?
With wicked deed, or so it seems
Who makes a knot, so thick and tight?
That makes me cringe, in fear and fright
And laughs to me, without respite
It’s nothing dear, I love just you
Her wicked acts, aren’t that at all
It's only I, who makes me fall

I think you could take out some of the comma’s you’ve used, ones that you’ll find are not grammatically necessary. If you read through the entire poem I’ll sure you’ll find the same problem, punctuation marks that you wouldn’t really miss if removed. The sixth line sounds a bit awkward to me, particularly “I love just you” where the cadence of the poem trips… is this meant to be a quote from ‘Her’, the woman you describe? Maybe it can be tweaked. In the 7th line, perhaps you can replace the word wicked with another synonym so as not to overuse it.

She’s pure and true, with darkest eyes
Yet with accusations, me! I say she lies.
She has no fault, of which I blame
Though bears the brunt, of taunts and slander
As, through minefield
After minefield, I meander
Though I make her cry in pain
With words of bitterness and rage
She forgives me, time, and time again
This one, I wrongly call "the temptress"

The 2nd and 8th line again, I feel, has an odd cadence to it. The 5th and 6th line probably need not be split.

I hear her tender tones, of calm
And then, like some demented fool
I scream, shout and pay
This sweet thing, with abuse
She takes it, dies a little more
And keeps me hanging, on her arm
She loves me and she shows it too

The 3rd and 4th line could probably be contracted to just one line. The last line… perhaps you can rewrite the phrase “she shows it too” because it seems oddly flat compared to the rest of the poem.

She always makes me smile and kiss
Shows me how I’ve been remiss
Now I’ve come to realize
That if I make her die
Like, she does on many days
With piece by broken piece of heart
It's I. who has the fault within
Not her, this princess without sin

I think the internal rhythm of line 4 and 5 could be improved to match the rest of stanza.

Who is the one I talk about?
She is rainbow, staunch and proud
She makes me smile, and laugh aloud
Smothers me with love and lust
When in my tantrum, I withdraw

I think you can combine this with the final stanza, thus making your introduction of your lady love a centerpiece to the poem. Also, I don’t normally see rainbows described as “staunch and proud”, so maybe you can expound on this image a bit more and play with it.

She is all I ever need, and yet I push
make her squirm, as words I use
Destroy her mind and soul
Though with this poem, love and care
With tender words of heart
May I show I know my crime?
And ask forgiveness.......

It seems in this final rhyme you’ve abandoned the internal rhythm you’ve established throughout the rest of the poem, and it’s a bit jarring. I think if you put a solid rhythm in the hanging, breathless trepidation of the last line would shine more.