Nude Shell

[tectak]

Second revision:

citrus scents the wet air;
water drifts down the small of my back,
glides across the curve of my thigh.

nothing will remove the blood
running down my calf
like a train headed for hell,
searching for a
murky breath of immortality.

it won't stop.

you're dirty, sick.
...an anomaly.

i touch my breasts,
coldly.

First revision:

citrus scents the wet air;
water drifts down the small of my back,
glides across the curve of my thigh.

nothing will remove the blood
running down my calf
like a train headed for the sun,
searching for a
breath of immortality. 

you're dirty, sick.
...an anomaly.

i touch my breasts,
coldly.

that's right.
a... fucking monster.

[[note: should i expand on the last two stanzas?]]

Original:

citrus scents the wet air;
water drifts down the small of my back,
the curve of my thigh.

nothing will remove the blood
running down my calf
like a train wreck
headed for wide-eyed glory.

you’re dirty, sick.
…an anomaly.

i touch my breasts,
coldly.

that’s right.
i’m a fucking monster!

Hi fluo,
This has had some attention and by your own revision/explanation becomes clear. In a very real sense I like everything in the piece but am a little out on an ethical limb regarding my thoughts on your thoughts. Like most, male or female, the pubescent pulse beats a little faster during transition. Thoughts are, to say the least, a little gonadocentric if male and downright dastardly if female. I KNOW this to be true as my memory is intact and I have to say that your superb injections of irrationality are convincingly stereo-typical...so what is my problem. Well, sticking to the poetry, this "irrationality" works supremely in the italicised outbursts, and the last line, could, perhaps, stand the same treatment...it is irrationality as a considered item. Where things are not so perfectly contrived is in the metaphorical language...sorry, I should say the "intentional" similes.
The piece is, frankly, good enough to gloss over the "...like a train wreck heading for wide-eyed glory" BUT to leave this line as it is to do you a disservice. Apart from the uncertainty of what the line "means" in a simplistic  --that is to say in a strictly informative-- sense, the idea of a train wreck (hard, spiky, metallic, sharp, deformed, bent, broken, deconstructed, destroyed, useless, beyond repair, etc) "heading" anywhere is surely a thought not far enough. It does not work either as a carrier of information or as an aid to understanding what you are trying to say. Once you have an image that you like (the train wreck) it is sometimes difficult to avoid hanging those parts of the poem in close proximity on to the thing, hoping that some of the shine will illuminate other words. So what you end up with is that good old dramatic word "blood" being likened to a runaway train "wreck". Some error here, surely.
Nonetheless, this is a very good piece of what I am sure is veracity verse...it is true, I am sure, for you and for many others; that is the currency of poetry in this style. Well done.
Best,
tectak
( The significance of not capitalising "i" is eternally lost on me. Language usually changes for the better and so I wait to see if  not capitalising ANYTHING has merit. I doubt it, so for me it is a pointless contrivance which irritates and so takes away from the piece. Is it worth the cliche of "stylistic individuality"?)