the night lanterns
#2
First off want to say that i enjoyed the overall read of this and liked the simple and uncomplicated progression.
I think you could trim out a few words.  Left my suggestions below.

(07-21-2015, 01:21 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  the night lanterns

She’d started collecting fireflies,
their dried, lightless husks  YOu use husks again below so i think you could find a replacement.  I like the use of it below for the added image of the passing of mama, so suggest the use of something different in this line. 
filling up old mason jars;
 
she refused to throw them out
even after they’d lost their glow.  nice detail here.  perhaps a commar needed after out.
 
I never knew Mama to be afraid of the dark
but she said so one day when I asked
why she kept them.   this stanza feels a little awkward / long winded, particularly the second line, but not got any suggestion for alterations at this stage.
 
The jars still sit on her windowsill,   This reads fine as is but if you change to sit on my windowsill it would facilitate the crop of some words in the last stanza.
clean and empty of husks,   This line carries a lot of weight for me in terms of suppling images to build a picture of Mama.  Good strong line esp with the contrast of lifestyle when coupled with the next line.   Nice.
a vanilla tea light candle inside each one now.
 
I’ve lit them every night since she passed;
people ask me why, but I don’t answer.   Undecided if you need but I don't answer.  Leaning towards not needed.
They don’t need to know that I’m afraid of the dark.
 
Hope some of this is helpful.
  AJ.
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Messages In This Thread
the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-21-2015, 01:21 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by cidermaid - 07-21-2015, 04:23 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-22-2015, 02:00 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by billy - 07-21-2015, 05:37 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by fluorescent.43 - 07-22-2015, 03:08 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-22-2015, 04:32 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by ellajam - 07-22-2015, 10:42 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-22-2015, 11:04 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by crow - 07-23-2015, 04:19 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-23-2015, 11:07 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by DivineMsEmm - 07-26-2015, 11:05 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-26-2015, 02:44 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by crow - 07-26-2015, 02:22 PM
RE: the night lanterns - by Grace - 07-27-2015, 08:02 AM
RE: the night lanterns - by cjchaffin - 07-28-2015, 04:45 AM



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