07-19-2015, 07:45 AM
Thanks for the crit AJ,
It seems that the crux of editing this guy will be relating the first 2 stanzas to the last 2. There's clearly some disconnect between the 'I' portrayed in the first 2 stanzas, who is out in the night, and the 'you' in the final stanzas who is urged to stay in. I'll definitely work to bring them closer together with my next edit. Definitely super helpful crit on both the macro level and the micro level, so thanks!
Em
It seems that the crux of editing this guy will be relating the first 2 stanzas to the last 2. There's clearly some disconnect between the 'I' portrayed in the first 2 stanzas, who is out in the night, and the 'you' in the final stanzas who is urged to stay in. I'll definitely work to bring them closer together with my next edit. Definitely super helpful crit on both the macro level and the micro level, so thanks!
Em
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."