Spirit Checking

[tectak]

Thanks for the comments Dale-

I've revised the first line into a complete sentence.

As a slave to my own challenges, I will maintain the syllabic structure of this piece: breaking each line into 4 syllables + 6 syllables.  

The secondary challenge was to have the poem "disintegrate" to "air", while invoking a different sense in each line, and that is easy to maintain.

I don't mind being slammed for adhering to a rigid form, because I think that I can convey the tone and meaning while doing so.  I set "rules" for the form, like shaping a glass.  Then I pour in the words and remove the glass, hopefully making the form less visible.  Virtually every poem I've ever posted follows a pre-determined pattern.  (As I get older I've softened that approach).  Enough on my "style", as style is a whole nother topic...    

Thanks again,
... Mark

Hi mark.
Final response from me. I would go with dale on this one. Poets create the most complicated reasons for doing what they do. If they only do what they do for  themselves then we can do no more as  crits. In the final analysis any piece that explains itself in the poem is fine by me...but if I read it out loud and stumble then I have a choice....put up or shut up. Small matters of poetically subjective correctness, whilst  mentioned if noticed, are forgivable...but there is always a "proper" way. Short form verse is  by nature a magnifying glass for nits...and we are talking nits here. But who likes living with  nits?
Best,
tectak