07-16-2015, 10:05 AM
Mark,
This is a nice piece, although a few bumps here and there. Some suggestion to smooth the reading, mostly my sensibilities rather than anything hard and fast.
My childhood home
is no longer full of sounds. (Not a sentence without a verb.)
The living room
feels unfamiliar now.
I see your easy chair;
looks worn out from long nights passed.
Stale and musty air
that smells of hidden mice. (I think in such a short sentence putting "that" between the noun and the verb weakens the sentence.)
Dale
This is a nice piece, although a few bumps here and there. Some suggestion to smooth the reading, mostly my sensibilities rather than anything hard and fast.
My childhood home
is no longer full of sounds. (Not a sentence without a verb.)
The living room
feels unfamiliar now.
I see your easy chair;
looks worn out from long nights passed.
Stale and musty air
that smells of hidden mice. (I think in such a short sentence putting "that" between the noun and the verb weakens the sentence.)
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.