07-12-2015, 08:37 PM
thanks to zeichnicht, billy, and wjames for giving this some much-needed critique! to zeichnicht: thanks for getting me back. 
i've changed the word "pools" as everyone seems to think it makes no sense (i guess it doesn't). as for the missing caps... i don't know, it feels more natural to me than capitalizing the beginning of each line or sentence. it's just how i write. to billy: i can never seem to find the clichés in my work. 
i guess that's what the pig pen is for. 
to wjames: the jokiness you mentioned at the end was supposed to be sort of a bitter sarcasm- the poem is about a woman coming into her own (basically puberty). thanks for the critique, all!- i've posted an edit; hopefully it's a bit better!
i've changed the word "pools" as everyone seems to think it makes no sense (i guess it doesn't). as for the missing caps... i don't know, it feels more natural to me than capitalizing the beginning of each line or sentence. it's just how i write. to billy: i can never seem to find the clichés in my work. i guess that's what the pig pen is for. to wjames: the jokiness you mentioned at the end was supposed to be sort of a bitter sarcasm- the poem is about a woman coming into her own (basically puberty). thanks for the critique, all!- i've posted an edit; hopefully it's a bit better!
like you've been shot (bang bang bang)