07-12-2015, 01:32 PM
(07-12-2015, 05:41 AM)fluorescent.43 Wrote: citrus scents the wet air; As Billy said, really nice introduction.
water pools in the small of my back, I can't really imagine water pooling in someone's back unless they're lying face down. That doesn't really work if they're (presumably) stripping. At least, that's what the title immediately makes me think about when I hear about the small of someone's back.
the curve of my thigh.
nothing will remove the blood
running down my calf
like a train wreck
headed for wide-eyed glory. Yes, blood running down the calf makes me think about someone having their period. Is that the "water" in your back and thigh above as well, or was that just water or sweat or something?
you’re dirty, sick.
…an anomaly.
i touch my breasts,
coldly.
that’s right.
i’m a fucking monster! The "jokiness" (for lack of a better term) seems sort of out of place with the rest of the poem (to me).
Before the final two lines, I thought it might be about a girl getting changed in gym class or something while having her period. The last two (or maybe four) lines made me think of someone having sex while on their period. I think you might be able to find a stronger title to further build upon your idea too.