07-12-2015, 01:19 PM
(07-12-2015, 09:50 AM)tomoffing Wrote: SoutherlyI liked the poem as a whole, just thought of a few things you might want to think about.
I remember it keenly;
the cut of a cold snap
gusted from an emptiness
few visit and none endure, maybe "and less endure"?
pure edge and hardness
whet to sting fiercely
as the isolation
that formed it,
and bristling, "and" seems awkward to me after the preceding line. "as the isolaton that formed it" did what? Or did it sting "as fiercely as the isolation that formed it"? (you might want to add an "as before fiercely, or write more after).
having been tempted north
by warmth. I don't like the north/warmth rhyme, but maybe partially because I'm from Canada & North doesn't make me think of warmth. It does seem sort of forced aside from that too.
Just go
she said,
closing the door. I like the ending.

