07-12-2015, 08:38 AM
hi 43 the only thing that needs to be addressed are the cliché's my other comments can be worked on but the clichés drag down what is, could be a really good write.
(07-12-2015, 05:41 AM)fluorescent.43 Wrote: citrus scents the wet air; a good opener that sets the picture of humidity, love the smell
water pools in the small of my back, pools feels like an odd word use unless you have , this and the next line are also a bit cliche. coalesces would be a suggestion instead of pools which would help with the image and the cliche.
the curve of my thigh. a suggest to change the cliche then [rides the curve of my thighs]
nothing will remove the blood normally wrists are slit so i'm going with period. which makes a refreshing change
running down my calf
like a train wreck again watch out for cliche
headed for wide-eyed glory.
you’re dirty, sick.
…an anomaly. for me this is where the feeling and emotion begin. it would have be good to see a couple of the cliché's work this well
i touch my breasts,
coldly.
that’s right.
i’m a fucking monster! while it works i think without the I'm there's extra layers to be seen.