Hero of War

[cidermaid]

Hello aerosmitty,  I think it is often difficult for people to offer critic on a poem when it has been announced that it is personal and then doubly so when it involves a sensitive subject like this one.  Wow a letter to a brother, 9 /11 and oh he is a solider - no emotional attachment to the writer to be offended there then! 

So I'll say the obvious, just to make sure - the crit is only concerned to the presentation of a poem to be read in the public domain and in no way reflects on personal issues and opinions.  (I think that any sibling will always be touched by a offering of love and honour no matter what format it comes in).

Right that out of the way, I thought that this read more like a prose piece rather than a poem.  I found it very wordy and also if I am honest i had sort of lost interest before the end.  IMHO I think this one needs quite a lot of editing to make it have any life or punch.

I wrote this for my brother on the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

The title is fine but for me the interesting thing is that this is up close and personal so i think the title would have more focus if it was "I know a war hero" to be in keeping with the voice of a child telling the story.  (sort of a boast)

There is a lot here and as this is only novice i don't want to stray over the line of appropriate crit. so i will just offer some thoughts on the first two stanza.

first thing is to decide on to rhyme or not and to meter or not and then try to stick with it.

Let me tell you about this soldier I know,   As an opening line this is okay, but then the rest of the stanza is a focus on anything but the brother.  it is all about how the writer (voice) felt.  I am left with little or no backgroung images to get hold of to be able to know this man who is going to be a war hero.  I know that the younger brother felt abandoned and left to suffer in the home prison alone...or at least this was my interpretation of these lines.
Escaped his prison at just seventeen years old.   Try to loose some of the filler words. (His / at / years old) this line could still offer the same info by saying He escaped at seventeen.
I remember that day and the blistering cold,
And when he said goodbye I could feel it his tone,  Watch your constructions... this is off.  (could just be a typo it / in)
Knowing this was the time he could call his own,
And the envy I felt as he left his home.  the above three lines are just rehashing the same images that was delivered in line 2...namely that the voice of the younger brother was jelous and slightly resentful that he got to escape.  I think you could re- use this space to offer us something about what the big brother was like as a person to live with.  fun / serious .playful / mean / strong / good looking / aloof and distant from a kid brother? - who was he when you knew him?
Watching him disappear into that flying boat,
Little did we know with what the future would come.
That was the summer of 2001.  ...but I like the bluntnes of this last statement, but think you are missing the opportunity to give us images -That summer, he took off and the towers came down.


I remember that day like it was just a dream.
Woke like a baby from my deep sleep,
Came in the living room and what did I see?
Two towers on fire on our color tv screen.
My grandma said “look we’re under attack!”
But being in fourth grade I didn’t acknowledge the fact.
Didn’t know that this would pave the path
For another burden placed on an American son’s back  As it is currently presented, I feel like this whole stanza is not really connected to the poem about a hero.  Unless he was caught up in it why mention it? It is just a distraction to how he became a hero in the writers eyes.  Perhaps, less details about what was happening at home and more perception (maybe overheard conversations if this is a younger brother's voice) of the pressure cooker emotions at the training camp.  (How did this event change the hero to be is what I feel is missing was he now serious when he visited home?)



We still have the letters he sent from basic,
Describing how he came to be a combat medic.
Like his, everyone’s mind was hectic,
Lined up in the yard they asked who wanted to make
These bastards pay for the damage they’ve made.
He raised his hands, no time to waste,
Knowing completely what the stakes would be,
And offered his life to defend Lady Liberty.

One letter described a time he stayed
For four months straight at a single base
Mortars constantly coming, night and day,
Hearing whistling overhead, knowing well it may
Leave its mark far outside the gate,
Or blow up directly in his face.
After a while you get callous to the haste,
Accepting the fact he could set his own pace,
Just walking around from place to place,
Because at any second he could meet his fate.

What hit me the most that he told us about
Was when a mother and her daughters had to be snuffed out.
The girls came running from out of their house
AK’s in their hands, fingers on the triggers, casings spewing about.
Dropping to one knee, it came down to one thing,
“Its either them or me”, two shots and they hit the ground
It wasn’t yet over, for their mother appeared with a shout,
RPG on her shoulder, ready to be a martyr,
Two more shots and she went down.

The day he came back felt like no other,
So much emotions running, we all at least once cried.
Not yet old enough to buy a beer
He refused everyone’s attempts to sympathize
We could only imagine what he’d been through with a tear,
Yet he didn’t want to be rewarded for his time.
Father, Grandparents, and Mother
Unaware of the horrors witnessed by his eyes.
I’m proud to call him my Brother, a soldier,
Our hero of war had come back alive.

There is such a lot in this poem, that could, with just a little work have a sharper focus and carry more interest. 

On a personal level : Not many people know a war hero it is a good boast and makes for a worthy poem subject.  Not every hero gets a medal but this does not diminish a story that needs to be told.  So i for one will come back and see what you do with this one   AJ.