Skin is like paper, revised

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

What I am trying to do is slowly build the impression of violence towards the flesh or in this case "paper" without giving the game away until the last line, so it is rather vague and all metaphor. perhaps a few extra lines that explain the damage whilst remaining less and less obscured would work. Then I could explain the bits you think are extraneous. the problem I'm having is a "theory of mind " issue. I know what the poem is about so it all makes sense to me, but someone else reading it, even a few times may well not. I did put it in here as I wanted a back and forth about it.

instead of more slow edits of the poem, what would you say about being more direct with just some fragments that explain what I am trying to do? what I do want to do with the poem is raise the 'violence' until it becomes more clear that the "paper" is no longer paper but the skin it is compared to and it is being damaged and only some one who has been there will know the signs. it is a very hard balancing act on my part to not give the game away but be more direct as well. If you understand where I'm coming from.

I don't want to completely re-write it but perhaps a restructure with some inserts and deletions or shorter lines? It will be at least a week before I come back due to other commitments adding on time to perhaps do some work on it. so if you would be so kind. may be a comment on this idea of escalation, building both violence and perhaps regret, though that would complicate matters not allow for paring down.

perhaps a longer and a stripped back as much as I can bare to use a double edged blade as it were? I wonder if paper can scar? I really need to get back into the mood I was when I first wrote it, though that was not a good place to be.