07-11-2015, 12:37 PM
When it rains outside
and their choirs grow, whose choirs?
while the crickets sing high,
the frogs sing low. this stanza doesn't contain great imagery, but it's got potential. watch the run-on sentence-- i'd add in a periodd after L2 and cut the "and".
But where do they go when they're tucked in there beds? "But" isn't necessary, i think. typo: their beds.
And what are the voices they hear in their heads? these first two lines don't quite make sense (but i know what you're trying to say). where do they go when they're in their beds? well, they're in their beds. what are the voices in their heads?-- they're voices, that's what they are. don't think that's what you want to say.
How loud are the screams that echo their dreams? do you mean "echo in their dreams"? i like this line. evocative.
And the sighs and the moans of the life in between? i'd cut the articles except for "the sighs" to stream-line it a bit.
Who gives them warts on their necks and and their hands? that would make them toads, right?
Whose legs do they eat? whaaaat?
What fate will they meet? last two stanzas have too much questioning in them. mix the structure up a bit, and you'll be rewarded with a more interesting poem.
Which prince will they kiss just to make him their own, isn't it the princess?
and where do they go when their frogging is done? i'm starting to scratch my head at the direction this poem is going in. is this meant to be serious?-- even the title is messing me up.
If I were you my little friends, i don't think "my little friends" is necessary.
I'd make this vow to make amends, "this" should be replaced with "a", i think. unless you're talking about a very specific vow.
with the green blood splattered on the cold road side roadside.
and the twitching arms trying to stay alive - "the" isn't necessary. i like this stanza, but still not sure where you're going with... everything...
Because from the dark there are eyes that peer i'd clean this up to be something like "from the dark there are peering eyes".
and amphibious ears that are longing to hear, "that are" clogs it up a bit-- what's it trying to hear?
of a hardened tongue and a wicked stare,
and crooked hands that will lay a snare.
For whoever owns that
sorrowless,
merciless, don't think you need the commas.
cruel and in-compassionate glare; i do think it's uncompassionate. but this is a nitpick.
will find his end on a gondola, why the gondola? are we in Venice?
while the night creatures doom him
to Frogola. is this whole poem a fantasy? i feel like i've been led on a wild goose chase. why introduce "Frogola" in the last line? leaves me hanging.
.~*~.
i enjoyed reading this poem. it just... confused me to high hell. as the author, you're not obligated to tell me your intentions, but after reading this several times, i'm quite convinced this is about a depressed frog. is it a metaphor? make it a bit clearer. the poem could use some basic cleaning up of a few wordy parts, and the rhyming scheme doesn't feel too forced but is erratic. good luck if you intend to assemble your poetry!
43.
and their choirs grow, whose choirs?
while the crickets sing high,
the frogs sing low. this stanza doesn't contain great imagery, but it's got potential. watch the run-on sentence-- i'd add in a periodd after L2 and cut the "and".
But where do they go when they're tucked in there beds? "But" isn't necessary, i think. typo: their beds.
And what are the voices they hear in their heads? these first two lines don't quite make sense (but i know what you're trying to say). where do they go when they're in their beds? well, they're in their beds. what are the voices in their heads?-- they're voices, that's what they are. don't think that's what you want to say.
How loud are the screams that echo their dreams? do you mean "echo in their dreams"? i like this line. evocative.
And the sighs and the moans of the life in between? i'd cut the articles except for "the sighs" to stream-line it a bit.
Who gives them warts on their necks and and their hands? that would make them toads, right?
Whose legs do they eat? whaaaat?
What fate will they meet? last two stanzas have too much questioning in them. mix the structure up a bit, and you'll be rewarded with a more interesting poem.
Which prince will they kiss just to make him their own, isn't it the princess?
and where do they go when their frogging is done? i'm starting to scratch my head at the direction this poem is going in. is this meant to be serious?-- even the title is messing me up.
If I were you my little friends, i don't think "my little friends" is necessary.
I'd make this vow to make amends, "this" should be replaced with "a", i think. unless you're talking about a very specific vow.
with the green blood splattered on the cold road side roadside.
and the twitching arms trying to stay alive - "the" isn't necessary. i like this stanza, but still not sure where you're going with... everything...
Because from the dark there are eyes that peer i'd clean this up to be something like "from the dark there are peering eyes".
and amphibious ears that are longing to hear, "that are" clogs it up a bit-- what's it trying to hear?
of a hardened tongue and a wicked stare,
and crooked hands that will lay a snare.
For whoever owns that
sorrowless,
merciless, don't think you need the commas.
cruel and in-compassionate glare; i do think it's uncompassionate. but this is a nitpick.
will find his end on a gondola, why the gondola? are we in Venice?
while the night creatures doom him
to Frogola. is this whole poem a fantasy? i feel like i've been led on a wild goose chase. why introduce "Frogola" in the last line? leaves me hanging.
.~*~.
i enjoyed reading this poem. it just... confused me to high hell. as the author, you're not obligated to tell me your intentions, but after reading this several times, i'm quite convinced this is about a depressed frog. is it a metaphor? make it a bit clearer. the poem could use some basic cleaning up of a few wordy parts, and the rhyming scheme doesn't feel too forced but is erratic. good luck if you intend to assemble your poetry!
43.
like you've been shot (bang bang bang)