A Corrosion

[Todd]

This feels really well put together right now. I only have a few comments for you to consider:

Revision (lots of thanks to billy and i.might.be.a.bit.sad for the critique!):

not tortured. not sainted. --This line may be important to you, but it feels like a weak opening. I would be perfectly content seeing you cut this line and start with line 2.
the cloudy, prophetic dream is ending.
i think i’m a sleepwalker,
a sleeptalker. why’s there
duct tape on my mouth?--I like this sequence a lot, the idea of words unsaid below at the end and the image of having your mouth duct taped. Even in a moment of unconscious control being unable to speak--very nice. 
must’ve dug out my brains while i
was at it. my bloody hands are
shaking.--I'm not sure this is strong enough to hold it's own line, if it was a pivot point between the first two strophes and shifted the meanings slightly when read in two different ways, maybe. Not as it sits now though.

the sirens cycling around me
are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf
to everything except the quicksilver
love ballad playing in my ear. --I like the quick/quick sounds. I love quicksand tears such a great way to think about be sucked down into sadness or depression. Quicksilver is also good because with the rest of the sequence suggests mercurial mood swings, maybe placing the context into a relationship where the speaker is constrained from speaking, and in this case hearing anything from the outside world to inform the relationship.

the blood pouring out of my mouth
are scraps from the words i would’ve--Blood doesn't feel like the right image to convey scraps. It feels too liquid. 
liked to say to you (feathers, buried
under the sea, fossilizing)--Maybe why you're having issues here (though I'm not positive) is you've shifted the focus of the personalized imagery to more external feathers, sea, sort of ideas. Maybe refocus the lens a bit. The you though is nice as it confirms the context. 

the breaths i exhale are helium balloons--This is nice because it also makes me think of comic speaking balloons. It's a great image. I also wonder (though this may not be intentional) about the nature of speaking after sucking in helium. The voice high cartoonish, childlike. As if there may be some area where the speaker feels less than an adult. Another option for the line may be: "I exale breaths as helium balloons"
rising to all the heights i could
never ascend to.
am i running out of time?
my limbs are cantering
disappearing--do you need both cantering and disappearing? It may be stronger with just one of them.
into an ungodly light and
why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids?

the words died on my tongue.
corroded into sweet acid.

i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)

[[note: are stanza 2&3 (& possibly 4) too similar in structure? it's become less prose-y and stream-of-consciousness-y compared to the original, i suppose. but i'm having a problem with stanza 3 not quite flowing the way i wanted it to.]]

Just some thoughts. I enjoyed the piece.

Best,

Todd