07-10-2015, 07:18 AM
Hello Vastile-
Very good effort on a very first poem.
L.1 of S.2 is particularly good ("I too was once a man) as it pulls the reader into the story.
That said, as a story you need a beginning, middle, and end. The beginning (S.1 and S.2) work well. It holds up OK into S.3 ("I found I could stop..."). Then the middle gets "spongy", and I think showing more of the turning to stone process would really help.
The rhyming is OK, and I appreciate that as a brand new poet that you avoided forcing rhymes in the places where you left them out. That is a very good sign.
There is no real ending to speak of, and that is where you need to work it harder-- the last three stanzas, specifically. I'm sure that you can pull it off.
Watch out for that trap of "telling", as in "it costs me in ways indescribable ...". I want to know what those ways are, so you're gonna need to describe 'em. Just sayin that they're indescribable is a bit of a cop out.
Also- you can lose the CAPS. Capitalizing does not make the character more important- the story should do that. Nor is it necessary-- esp the gentle giant/beast caps.
All in all this is surprisingly good as a first effort.
Good luck!
... Mark
Very good effort on a very first poem.
L.1 of S.2 is particularly good ("I too was once a man) as it pulls the reader into the story.
That said, as a story you need a beginning, middle, and end. The beginning (S.1 and S.2) work well. It holds up OK into S.3 ("I found I could stop..."). Then the middle gets "spongy", and I think showing more of the turning to stone process would really help.
The rhyming is OK, and I appreciate that as a brand new poet that you avoided forcing rhymes in the places where you left them out. That is a very good sign.
There is no real ending to speak of, and that is where you need to work it harder-- the last three stanzas, specifically. I'm sure that you can pull it off.
Watch out for that trap of "telling", as in "it costs me in ways indescribable ...". I want to know what those ways are, so you're gonna need to describe 'em. Just sayin that they're indescribable is a bit of a cop out.
Also- you can lose the CAPS. Capitalizing does not make the character more important- the story should do that. Nor is it necessary-- esp the gentle giant/beast caps.
All in all this is surprisingly good as a first effort.
Good luck!
... Mark