My Own Little World

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us.
I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions.
I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother,
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case. i don't know why but this and the second last line are the only ones I like
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind. the other line I like, in fact my favorite regardless of the rest of the poem
I never thought to look.

I know you are telling a story but there does not seem to be any structure. perhaps an exchange between you and the blind man?
I'm all for free verse, it's what I normally write in.
I don't mean to place my method on you but you seem to spread the mode very thin, like butter on so much toast.
I am probably not reading it in 'your' voice but I don't seem to be able to get into it
besides tightening your prose, perhaps you could add a bit more flourish to the descriptions. not every line but maybe as counterpoint to those that matter
I may be being overly harsh, I don't think what I write is really any good. but I do like structure other than rhyming pairs (thank you school)