07-09-2015, 06:10 PM
Line 1"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside"
I would replace "by it's Waterside" with by it's Bank" it just seems like it breaks the flow of the image. Canals invoke water and "Waterside" invokes, well, more water. Bank is a good transitioning word, which caries the image towards the rooftops in the next line.
Line 2 "the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on"
It's just a small nit pick, but changing Rooftop to Rooftops.
I liked the imagery and I apologize for not being able to be more technical, but I hope I've helped with some wording, and the more abstract way an image flows.
I would replace "by it's Waterside" with by it's Bank" it just seems like it breaks the flow of the image. Canals invoke water and "Waterside" invokes, well, more water. Bank is a good transitioning word, which caries the image towards the rooftops in the next line.
Line 2 "the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on"
It's just a small nit pick, but changing Rooftop to Rooftops.
I liked the imagery and I apologize for not being able to be more technical, but I hope I've helped with some wording, and the more abstract way an image flows.