07-09-2015, 05:32 PM
a quick answer to the parentheses question; i'm not skiled enough to know when or how often to them, i would say use anything including them sparingly [only when needed]
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing) they work but do they work better than the semi colon [;] i don't think they spoil the flow per say
to me though the lines are long it does read as poetry. [usually the extremely lengthy lined poems are prose,] here you use metaphor extensively and also some allusion and some solid imagery.
i think you use a tad to much. if you just used the phrase once at the beginning and once at the end would read better?
apart from me being mind warped on the first line i thought it a good solid piece of writing.
i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…and here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)
[/i]
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing) they work but do they work better than the semi colon [;] i don't think they spoil the flow per say
to me though the lines are long it does read as poetry. [usually the extremely lengthy lined poems are prose,] here you use metaphor extensively and also some allusion and some solid imagery.
i think you use a tad to much. if you just used the phrase once at the beginning and once at the end would read better?
apart from me being mind warped on the first line i thought it a good solid piece of writing.
(07-09-2015, 08:41 AM)fluorescent.43 Wrote: a quick note and a question too: i've no idea whether this is "conventional" poetry or not (pretty sure it's not) because it's more of a prose thing. but, to anybody who reads this, do you think parenthetical asides disrupt the flow of a poem? i use them (quite frequently, actuallyon my tongue, corroding into sweet acid)) and would like to know if anyone else thinks this is a good thing or not. i'd like a bit of critique (or a lot, whichever works- or nothing at all, that works too)- please and thanks!
i think i’m waking up from a cloudy, prophetic dream that exists only in the minds of neither tortured nor sainted humans while i understand it the latter part feels a bit convoluted.
i think i’m a sleepwalker, a sleeptalker ‘cause why is there duct tape on my mouth? must’ve dug out my brains while i was at it, ‘cause my bloody hands are shaking no need for the 2nd 'cause, i'd suggest cos instead of 'cause which i know is the truncated because. for me while cos is technically wrong, it has a better fit. love the use of bloody which could be literal, or just a mild expletive.
i think the sirens cycling around me are sobbing quicksand tears, but i’m deaf to everything except for the quicksilver love ballad playing in my ear (...to this goddamned world)
i think the blood pouring out of my mouth are just the scraps of the words i would've liked to said to you (feathers, buried under the sea, fossilizing) [just the scraps of the words] [are scraps from words]
i think the breaths i’m exhaling are helium balloons rising to all the heights i could never ascend to great image it also puts me in mind of speeck balloons in comics.
i think i’m running out of time ‘cause my limbs are cantering, disappearing into an ungodly light and why’re there shadows spilling from my eyelids? (the words [i]died
i think i’ll go out with a whisper:
(…and here’s to everything i never said, yeah?)
[/i]