07-09-2015, 08:12 AM
Sun-greyed posts and sagging barbed wire
enforce the pasture's discipline. the line break in L1 upset the flow a bit- the second line took me by surprise- but still good.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. These two lines cut right to the chase. Very effective.
Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. when I read this, the words fall off my mouth. I like it. Just to nitpick
, I think a dash in between "hard packed" and "fresh cut" would work well, but really it doesn't matter.
My fingers like broken sticks from Do you mean to say "My fingers are like broken sticks from?"- there isn't a verb here.
stretching glistening barbed wire and I don't think the word "barbed" here is necessary because we already know it's barbed wire, and two adjectives in a row disrupts the starkly clean feeling of this poem.
hammering the fastening staples, is "the" really needed?- same with the line below and
fixing the wire in perfect lines. A stronger adjective (instead of "perfect) could be used- maybe pristine? faultless?
My Grandson suggests electronic collars why is Grandson capitalized?- you're not talking about Grandson, you're talking about your grandson.
can tell cattle the boundary.for some reason (maybe it's just me), this line doesn't feel quite right- the word choice doesn't fit- maybe " "can rein in the cattle."?
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. I like the ending lines!- just the "and" that starts the last line feels odd since you already used "and" in the above line- maybe just "remind him to bring work gloves" and a semicolon to end the above line?- that's not proper grammar, though.
.~*~.
This poem is really good. It's straightforward but poetic- I just think some strategic cleaning up of the lines could improve it a bit. Hopefully I didn't write the same critique as everyone else! If I didn't and happened to write something a bit different, do take my words with a grain of salt.
enforce the pasture's discipline. the line break in L1 upset the flow a bit- the second line took me by surprise- but still good.
Rusted barbs, still achingly sharp,
remind the cattle of what is, and what is not allowed. These two lines cut right to the chase. Very effective.
Grandfather and I built that fence fifty years past.
My back wet from driving pick and shovel
into hard packed earth,
placing fresh cut posts exactly where he pointed. when I read this, the words fall off my mouth. I like it. Just to nitpick
, I think a dash in between "hard packed" and "fresh cut" would work well, but really it doesn't matter.My fingers like broken sticks from Do you mean to say "My fingers are like broken sticks from?"- there isn't a verb here.
stretching glistening barbed wire and I don't think the word "barbed" here is necessary because we already know it's barbed wire, and two adjectives in a row disrupts the starkly clean feeling of this poem.
hammering the fastening staples, is "the" really needed?- same with the line below and
fixing the wire in perfect lines. A stronger adjective (instead of "perfect) could be used- maybe pristine? faultless?
My Grandson suggests electronic collars why is Grandson capitalized?- you're not talking about Grandson, you're talking about your grandson.
can tell cattle the boundary.for some reason (maybe it's just me), this line doesn't feel quite right- the word choice doesn't fit- maybe " "can rein in the cattle."?
I hand him a wire stretcher and hammer
and remind him to bring work gloves. I like the ending lines!- just the "and" that starts the last line feels odd since you already used "and" in the above line- maybe just "remind him to bring work gloves" and a semicolon to end the above line?- that's not proper grammar, though.
.~*~.
This poem is really good. It's straightforward but poetic- I just think some strategic cleaning up of the lines could improve it a bit. Hopefully I didn't write the same critique as everyone else! If I didn't and happened to write something a bit different, do take my words with a grain of salt.
like you've been shot (bang bang bang)