07-08-2015, 01:14 PM
claire,
Probably some consistency in punctuation would help. Capitalizing after a full stop, standard use of hyphen, no cap after a colon, no coma before "and", these are disruptive to the reading.
Also it helps if a sentence makes sense.
"A stringed Harp has been playing a blue yet blissful piece of tune transcends the holy Transmundane, and tramples on my ancient prune.
One has to let the reader know in some way to what the "ancient prune" refers. Without some kind of key to what it means this sentence makes little sense. Consider also the lack of grammar:
"A stringed Harp has been playing a blue yet blissful piece of (a) tune (which) transcends "
Don't get me wrong, I am all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity.
These sorts of things are peppered throughout this poem.
OK, this is running long for a novice critique so I will say this one last thing. If you have to explain your poem to the reader, then the poem has already failed.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
Probably some consistency in punctuation would help. Capitalizing after a full stop, standard use of hyphen, no cap after a colon, no coma before "and", these are disruptive to the reading.
Also it helps if a sentence makes sense.
"A stringed Harp has been playing a blue yet blissful piece of tune transcends the holy Transmundane, and tramples on my ancient prune.
One has to let the reader know in some way to what the "ancient prune" refers. Without some kind of key to what it means this sentence makes little sense. Consider also the lack of grammar:
"A stringed Harp has been playing a blue yet blissful piece of (a) tune (which) transcends "
Don't get me wrong, I am all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity.
These sorts of things are peppered throughout this poem.
OK, this is running long for a novice critique so I will say this one last thing. If you have to explain your poem to the reader, then the poem has already failed.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.