07-08-2015, 08:30 AM
Hi Claire
Just a couple of thoughts from an amateur...
In your first stanza, it feels a little wordy, and heavy to me. The rhyme of "ancient prune" throws me a bit, as it's the only rhyme, but I'm interpreting that to be a representation of age or awareness of mortality.
In your second stanza I'm unsure of what context "that faires that eternal" are or what it means? That may be my ignorance, but the line doesn't make sense to me.
I like the third and fourth stanzas. I'm not sure what this poem is saying, unless it's describing the realm of ancient deities? It strikes me as very pretty and flowery. This is just my two cents.
Just a couple of thoughts from an amateur...
In your first stanza, it feels a little wordy, and heavy to me. The rhyme of "ancient prune" throws me a bit, as it's the only rhyme, but I'm interpreting that to be a representation of age or awareness of mortality.
In your second stanza I'm unsure of what context "that faires that eternal" are or what it means? That may be my ignorance, but the line doesn't make sense to me.
I like the third and fourth stanzas. I'm not sure what this poem is saying, unless it's describing the realm of ancient deities? It strikes me as very pretty and flowery. This is just my two cents.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.