Faubourg at eve

[ellajam]

Hi, Alex, for me this started with a bang but then fell apart.
L1:"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day" is lovely and a strong image but then I'm not sure why evening (?) lowers the canal, tides?. Ok if that's correct I got there. "by its waterside" seem to hang there, I might prefer it dropped down.
L2: It might be clearer with "with its" after rooftop, but again you start with a strong image, but then Mansard being capitalized confuses me and I never do get my footing again.
L3: Huh? I'm lost.
So in summary, there's plenty to like but it doesn't get me anywhere. Hope this helps.

Hey there,
This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-
"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

Hey Ellajam,

thanks for your message. To answer what you are telling me:

I got this impression that the water shines more while the sun is setting, tell me if you think it's true!

For the capitalized "Mansard", I always wondered if it should be capitalized or not, as it actually comes from the name of François Mansart.

For the last line, what is bothering you? I thought of replacing "shifting" by "spreading". The "endless witness" still refers to the rooftop, maybe not the best structure, a suggestion?



Alex

Hi, alex, I can see others saw your L1 image the way you intended while I saw the scaly walls of the canal, so I guess that's on me. I googled mansard before commenting and found the definitions in lower case but if you know of it differently, your poem, for me with Faubourg before it I still would prefer lower case, you are talking about a roof style, not the man it was named after, or am I missing something?

For me the wording says the rooftop lingers, where would it go? Maybe lingers is not the word you mean or maybe a change in punctuation would have the shadow linger or a switch to The mansard shadow of the Faubourg or something like that.

Because I didn't have enough knowledge (any) of the Apache gangs google did not help me, Apache alone did not give me what I needed. You may not care whether or not peeps like me get it, if you do you might want to consider adding another clue. Your poem.

Hope this helps explain my read, good luck with it.