07-05-2015, 05:01 AM
"weirdling" and "false"
as "weirdling" is here used as unnatural, I think there is a distinction to be made between it and "false. However the question is, does it need to be made? I am thinking you are correct and that "false" is not needed as it does not advance the sense I am trying to convey.
"newborn" yes!
""coming on me" is awkward, perhaps "drawing/advancing upon me"?" Have to disagree, the phrase "coming on me" was often used in relation to illness, or an allusion to a spell, in the supernatural sense as part of the American folk tale/supernatural tradition. Still very perceptive on seeing that.
I'll admit to some awkwardness with "at stores the hurried buying." However that awkwardness is due mainly to terseness. As has already been noted in the title as well as the body that this is Christmas Eve. I should think it would be fairly easily discerned that it refers to those who have put off shopping to the very last. This is not a cop out, it is to say what I have is the best I can do at the moment, although I do recognize some weakness in it.
"when all around me Christmas town." Should be preceded by a colon. The idea of Christmas town is a very real one and not just made up for the sake of the rhyme. There are several aspects of this, but I will give the most superficial. It signifies the difference between how a town (especially smaller towns) change their appearance as Christmas, the decorations on the street lights, the town center tree and sometimes nativity scene, the stores decorated head to toe.
As I am writing this, I am thinking how things have changed and maybe I need to give a date next to "Eve".
The forced rhyming I'll consider. A very good critique. Thank you for putting in the time and energy to do it. It is appreciated.
Dale
as "weirdling" is here used as unnatural, I think there is a distinction to be made between it and "false. However the question is, does it need to be made? I am thinking you are correct and that "false" is not needed as it does not advance the sense I am trying to convey.
"newborn" yes!
""coming on me" is awkward, perhaps "drawing/advancing upon me"?" Have to disagree, the phrase "coming on me" was often used in relation to illness, or an allusion to a spell, in the supernatural sense as part of the American folk tale/supernatural tradition. Still very perceptive on seeing that.
I'll admit to some awkwardness with "at stores the hurried buying." However that awkwardness is due mainly to terseness. As has already been noted in the title as well as the body that this is Christmas Eve. I should think it would be fairly easily discerned that it refers to those who have put off shopping to the very last. This is not a cop out, it is to say what I have is the best I can do at the moment, although I do recognize some weakness in it.
"when all around me Christmas town." Should be preceded by a colon. The idea of Christmas town is a very real one and not just made up for the sake of the rhyme. There are several aspects of this, but I will give the most superficial. It signifies the difference between how a town (especially smaller towns) change their appearance as Christmas, the decorations on the street lights, the town center tree and sometimes nativity scene, the stores decorated head to toe.
As I am writing this, I am thinking how things have changed and maybe I need to give a date next to "Eve".
The forced rhyming I'll consider. A very good critique. Thank you for putting in the time and energy to do it. It is appreciated.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.