07-05-2015, 12:27 AM
What kind of day is this, when just a breath away is Christmas day?
What kind of strange, weirdling false spring is this, should there a comma between "weirdling" and "false"?- the addition of false disrupts the flow of the line and makes it sound like you're reading off a list of synonyms- maybe just weirdling? (I quite like the word!)
coming on me like a new born kiss, combine "new" and "born" to make newborn- "coming on me" is awkward, perhaps "drawing/advancing upon me"?
when spring is still a winter away?
I do not need this melancholy assailing me now, in the stanza below, you use "I don't"- using a contraction here would improve the flow a bit and introduce some consistency.
bringing with it morbid dreams, this line doesn't really need a comma
better left for October screams, just from an aesthetic viewpoint, I think putting this line in parentheses would work out a bit, or something to the effect, because it starts to feel like a run on sentence now (kind of like this sentence).
when all around me Christmas town. do you mean "when all around me is Christmas town"? feels like you're manipulating the sentence structure to put "town" at the end- also, this whole stanza is technically one sentence but feels too long- maybe change up the punctuation?
Putting on the Yuletide cheer: at stores the hurried buying. why end this line with a period?- also, putting the "the" in front of stores makes more sense, or put a comma after "stores"- but then the whole line is awkwardly put together.
Santas on each corner with their bells this line sounds like a full line- but then you go onto the next line, and it continues for another word, which is very jarring. this whole stanza is awkward because of the arrangement of words- the rhyming is much too forced.
ringing, carolers singing, wishing well. the above line and this line doesn't quite mesh because of the use of gerunds here, which contributes to a chaotic flow.
I don't need remembrance of your dying. substituting the word "death" for "dying" would make more sense here, but evidently "dying" is needed for rhyming- for some reason, this line just seems off to me. Maybe "I don't need to remember your dying"?
You come to me in my dreams cutting yourself: a fleshy gift. "cutting yourself"?- unclear- nowhere else in the poem does it mention details of the actual death, so a bit of elaboration would be helpful. But I do like the phrase "fleshy gift".
Offering it as a ghastly prize, what is "it"?-again, unclear-
beseeching with still unseeing eyes, the comma here isn't really great- I'd suggest a dash or something to the sort to provide a more definitive break. Same with the above stanza, before the last line.
through these memories I have no wish to sift. another example of changing up the structure for rhyming purposes...
Let me return to the warm embrace of Christmas
and I'll leave you to your grave, period here?- helps break up the flow a bit and introduce some variety.
your secrets you can save; here you use a semicolon- why not elsewhere?
there is not enough life left for both of us. contraction?- i.e. "there's"- this last line doesn't leave too much of an impact and it's wordy.
Final thoughts: the rhyming here in this poem is forced- this is a great concept, but the rhyming should come naturally. Because of that, the flow is off in the basic sentence structure. Also, the concept of the "death" is vague and unclear, other than the fact that the speaker can't forget about it. I didn't really get anything from this poem other than the fact that someone died a long time ago and it's Christmas. But, if you decide to edit this poem at all, do take my words with a lot of salt.
What kind of strange, weirdling false spring is this, should there a comma between "weirdling" and "false"?- the addition of false disrupts the flow of the line and makes it sound like you're reading off a list of synonyms- maybe just weirdling? (I quite like the word!)
coming on me like a new born kiss, combine "new" and "born" to make newborn- "coming on me" is awkward, perhaps "drawing/advancing upon me"?
when spring is still a winter away?
I do not need this melancholy assailing me now, in the stanza below, you use "I don't"- using a contraction here would improve the flow a bit and introduce some consistency.
bringing with it morbid dreams, this line doesn't really need a comma
better left for October screams, just from an aesthetic viewpoint, I think putting this line in parentheses would work out a bit, or something to the effect, because it starts to feel like a run on sentence now (kind of like this sentence).
when all around me Christmas town. do you mean "when all around me is Christmas town"? feels like you're manipulating the sentence structure to put "town" at the end- also, this whole stanza is technically one sentence but feels too long- maybe change up the punctuation?
Putting on the Yuletide cheer: at stores the hurried buying. why end this line with a period?- also, putting the "the" in front of stores makes more sense, or put a comma after "stores"- but then the whole line is awkwardly put together.
Santas on each corner with their bells this line sounds like a full line- but then you go onto the next line, and it continues for another word, which is very jarring. this whole stanza is awkward because of the arrangement of words- the rhyming is much too forced.
ringing, carolers singing, wishing well. the above line and this line doesn't quite mesh because of the use of gerunds here, which contributes to a chaotic flow.
I don't need remembrance of your dying. substituting the word "death" for "dying" would make more sense here, but evidently "dying" is needed for rhyming- for some reason, this line just seems off to me. Maybe "I don't need to remember your dying"?
You come to me in my dreams cutting yourself: a fleshy gift. "cutting yourself"?- unclear- nowhere else in the poem does it mention details of the actual death, so a bit of elaboration would be helpful. But I do like the phrase "fleshy gift".
Offering it as a ghastly prize, what is "it"?-again, unclear-
beseeching with still unseeing eyes, the comma here isn't really great- I'd suggest a dash or something to the sort to provide a more definitive break. Same with the above stanza, before the last line.
through these memories I have no wish to sift. another example of changing up the structure for rhyming purposes...
Let me return to the warm embrace of Christmas
and I'll leave you to your grave, period here?- helps break up the flow a bit and introduce some variety.
your secrets you can save; here you use a semicolon- why not elsewhere?
there is not enough life left for both of us. contraction?- i.e. "there's"- this last line doesn't leave too much of an impact and it's wordy.
Final thoughts: the rhyming here in this poem is forced- this is a great concept, but the rhyming should come naturally. Because of that, the flow is off in the basic sentence structure. Also, the concept of the "death" is vague and unclear, other than the fact that the speaker can't forget about it. I didn't really get anything from this poem other than the fact that someone died a long time ago and it's Christmas. But, if you decide to edit this poem at all, do take my words with a lot of salt.
like you've been shot (bang bang bang)