Faubourg at eve

[danny_]

Hey there,

This is set around Canal Saint-Martin, in Paris. Tell me what you think-


"The Canal bares its emerald scales in the pale leftovers of the day- by its waterside
the Faubourg rooftop, sharp Mansard shadow against the dusk, lingers on
with shifting crowds; endless witness to Apache nights waking."

I agree with some comments that L1 is best. L3 is most misleading. Well "shifting crowds" I suppose is all the people around the building outside? That was a bit unclear. The worst is "endless witness to Apache nights waking." What is Apache? Too many formal names for anyone who doesn't know them. I guess the crowd witnesses night turn to dawn though. But it's obscure to me. How does a rooftop linger on with a shifting crowd? I don't know what is the focus of the poem.
Overall though, I like the simplicity and imagery. You are close to what you want to say, and I believe you will be able to say it very well after some refinement.