Skin is like paper, revised

[Todd]

Hello RedSmurf,


I'm not sure if there is a guiding metaphor beyond the comparison you make throughout our life events being written on our skin like one may write on paper. It may not be at all what this is about. Since I am unsure of my interpretation at this point, this will be more of a technical critique focusing on what works in my opinion, and what bogs this down. Here goes:

I am posting in this sub, not because I think the poem is especially good, but because  need proper feedback on it. I have shown It to one other person, a friend I trust not to blow smoke up my ***.

I would be very interested to know what people think it is about. I would also accept comments on why it is either good or bad. I do not consider it finished but I'm not sure what would take it there.

Skin is like paper--The title should serve as the placeholder that allows you to eliminate the repetition of the line within the poem, which gets old really fast. I'd suggest eliminating it everywhere else in the poem. 


As always with poems, you are looking for the exact amount of words necessary. One extra word makes the poem worse. I think what you need here is the essential images that make your comparison and nothing more. This poem feels like a marble block with the sculpture inside only partially rendered. My comments will be meant to chip away at the marble.


You seem to have a lot of standalone adjectives, or lists of adjectives. You may want to consider cutting all of them, if you must replace any of them try building an image or images that suggests them. These include: dry, fragile, supple, lithe, bent, twisted, protective, caring, curving, taught, brown, black, blistered, burnt, thin, and slight. There are more modifiers but those are the ones that stand out on initial reading. I'm going to pare this down to possibly the essential images to see where that leaves us.

Skin is like paper, dry, etched in soft grain.
Delicate and somehow warm to the touch.--A lot of words to say very little.
Dressing us in a fine cloth of heavy damask.

Skin is like paper, fragile, supple and lithe.
Torn like butterflies wings, dashed by wind.
Bent and twisted it clings like water in a creek bed.

Skin is like paper, casing, folded and wrapped
Caressing us like broad arms, protective and caring.--Seems to add little
Curving and taught, tailored to the inch in cut and fit.--(not that I like taught, but do you mean taut?) should in be and? Not seeing much in the entire strophe.

Skin is like paper, browned and black, blistered and burnt.
It boils from beneath, living fire giving it life’s touch.--Feels a bit too over wrought.
Peeling like ribbon, freed of the vestige of flesh.

Skin is like paper, thin and slight, easily broken--If it breaks like fine china, I don't need to be told it's easily broken.
It breaks like a fine china, in pale, slender splinters.
It is dashed like an innocent dream upon the harsh dawn.--This just feels poetic without serving your comparison.

Skin is like paper, it carries the tale of times past.
The life of its owner is written in words, pale and mute.--I think it's a mistake to just say this so directly. Trust the reader more.
A life of times on a surface, laid bare to one with eyes.

Okay so without regard to punctuation, capitalization or line breaks. We are left with this:


Skin is like paper


etched in soft grain.
Dressing us in a fine cloth of heavy damask.

Torn like butterflies wings, dashed by wind.
it clings like water in a creek bed.

It boils from beneath, living fire
Peeling like ribbon, freed of the vestige of flesh.

It breaks like a fine china, in pale, slender splinters.

it carries the tale of times past.
laid bare to one with eyes.


I realize that's pretty extreme. Just trying to give you another look to consider as a possible starting point.

thank you to all who read this and leave appropriate comment

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd