Like a Dog (REV 4)

[danny_]

Like a Dog  (#3)

Unlike people,
dogs don’t have to linger.
When they grow old and lame,  
we step up, hard as it may be,
to offer a comforting touch
as they’re put down.  I personally wish this was shown more. I will write more about this below.

My sister would rather have died like a dog.
I wish a kind hand could have spared her
as cancer closed in, caught us off-guard,
and her all alone- the silent spider
bared its fangs, curved needles that dug 
deep inside her.

Without the kindness afforded a dog,
trapped and tortured, she lingered. trapped and tortured is telling, not showing.

Mark, first of all, very sorry for your loss and that hard experience.

Writing about it is a good idea. It can help you some, through the hard times.

As far as the fire-hose versions. What I feel they provide is help to understand, by getting you to the core of what you want to say. It's like opening a window to the wide panorama before you actually write what you see. Also, with unhindered expression, you can use all the metaphors and similes and whatever else you want to try to express it. Out of that kind of garbage heap of words might shoot up a red rose of poetic expression that you could use in a poem.

I say this because I think it would help you with such a hard and deep subject. You may better touch your readers by putting us in the same moment you were in by her bedside. What you have is good, but it could be better, simply by putting us in your shoes so that, when we are in that moment, we can't help but respond emotionally to the experience. 

May I see the room, the window, the light on her hand before you touched it? Isn't it what you saw that broke your heart? And what you imagined when you were not at her side?  That is what I appreciate when reading anything. It's going to require you really go back in your mind to that moment with her and write what you see. Patiently discover the vision you want to share.

Keep on writing.